What would you do, if someone you really love, passed away while you were halfway around the world?

One of my closest titas, passed away today. And up to now, I don't know the exact cause of her death. We were just told that she died because of a terrible sickness. I'm not sure, though I know that it has something to do with her heart. I knew that. Before we left for Abu Dhabi, I remember reading one of her text messages asking for financial help from our family because she was going to undergo surgery for her heart. And then, I remember reading another text message from my other tita(her sister) saying that the operation went well and they were really thankful for the money that we donated.

But now...she's gone. I wasn't even able to bond with her before I left the country. I wasn't able to visit the province before leaving because I was sick. I feel really bad because we're really close when we were young. She was in her teens while I was just learning to walk. She was with me all the time when I was young. She lived with us then.

I think the last time I saw her was also the last time I visited the province which was last year, last summer. I'm just really sad. She's still young. I think she's in her late twenties/early thirties. My mom broke the news while we were in the car, on the way to the grocery to buy food for their anniversary party tomorrow. I can remember the exact conversation:

Mommy: Dadaan pala tayo sa simbahan.

Me, Eunice and Edrick: Baket po?

Mommy: Kase magtitirik tayo ng... kandila.

Me: baket? * I was nervous, waiting for her next words. I knew that there was something wrong.*

Mommy: Wala na...si..Tita Grace niyo.

We all gasped. And then fell silent for the next minutes. I was staring outside the window. I wasn't able to speak. I just can't. I don't want to think that she's..not breathing anymore. I can't even cry.

I guess I'm just devastated. I prayed for her. I know that she's happy now, because she's with God and her mom (my lola's sister). I prayed for her loved-ones as well. It's going to be tough for them, now that she's not around anymore.

I just wish that this didn't happen while I was away. I want to see her for the last time. I want to be there. But as it is, I can't.

*This was supposed to be posted last night, but because of certain circumstances, I wasn't able to. To whoever is reading this, I hope that you can include her and our family in your prayers. Thank you. *

Labels: FAMILY, HEARTBREAK, LOST, UNEXPECTED

Goodbye, Francis Magalona. :(

You will be missed. You have lived a great life. And you will be remembered forever.

Labels: HEARTBREAK, LOST, UNEXPECTED

Before anything else, I would like to greet all of you a happy new year! :) I've been waiting for this day to come. Can you smell my excitement for this year?You just can't see it, but I'm jumping up and down right now. :P kidding. :)

I've been surfing the net a lot these days, because I'd rather surf than do my plates. Yes, I know I'm very lazy as of the moment. But I did some of them earlier this week. I'm just really not in the mood to do anything school-related.

Last night, before going to sleep, I did my tradition. I wrote my predictions for this year. I was actually able to come up with 18 predictions. I thought I wouldn't be able to do so. Anyway, there's this part there where I wrote that this year I would be true to myself and to others. That's why I'm doing this.

I told myself that I would be having a lot of 'me' time this vacation, and I did. It was fun. I was also able to bond with my family and other close relatives. It felt good to be able to have time for my family and for myself. Yes, I was happy. I am happy. I was able to do a lot, spend a lot, shop a lot, eat a lot, sleep a lot, get drunk a lot..and so on. But at the end of every single day..

It's still you that I'm thinking of. It's still you that I dream about every night that it makes me want to stay awake because I don't want to dream of you. It's still your text messages that I want to read every time my phone vibrates. It's still you who holds this heart.

And I hate to say it aloud. I don't want my friends to know about this. I don't want them to think that I'm still that same girl because I'm not. I'm not the same person. I can never be that person I was with you. I'm alone. And sometimes it sucks. No matter how happy it makes me feel to be able to do a lot of things that I don't do before, sometimes I miss having someone. I miss having you.

I've read somewhere that sometimes we have to be alone for us to know what we really want in life. Maybe I'm just really not used to it yet. They say that happiness comes from within. And yes, I found that happiness within me and believe me, it feels good. I don't want to rush. I know that I still have a lot of things to know about myself. And I'm willing to make time for that. That's why I'm thankful for this year, because I'm given the chance to live my life the way I want to. The best part about every year is that we get to have a lot of chances again. And this time, I won't let them pass me by.

I'm just so confused. I don't know what I want. I can't even cry to let this out. And it scares me a lot. That is one thing, though. I'm scared. This is one thing I am sure of. Maybe I'm really messed up. I really can't explain. I want to be strong for myself so that I wouldn't be falling apart like this anymore. I'm so unstable right now.

Labels: HEARTBREAK

There are a lot of things on my mind right now. And knowing me[if you read my blog], I'm known for writing very long entries. And I'm telling you right now that this is going to be a long one. Read on if you want. I don't care. I just want to write[in this case, type :P] this down for memory's sake. Moving on..

Looking back on the year that is nearing its end, I think about everything that happened. And when I look back, I feel like I'm so far from that person I used to be when I was in high school. I'm so far from that person I used to be a few weeks back. It's funny how people adjust to what's going on in their life without knowing that they are. It's funny how we can lose ourselves to something that we thought will be worth it. But the truth is, there's nothing in this world worthy of losing one's self.

This year, I wasn't able to get a hold of my life. I thought I was, though. I got lost in my own journey, because I let others take the wheel. I thought I was strong enough to let go and just go with the flow. But, I wasn't.

Losing myself is the hardest battle because I have to fight with who I was, who I am and who I want to be. But I kept on fighting. I'll never stop fighting for who I am. But in the end, it all boils down to one, it will always be who I am. Somehow, I know that somewhere deep within me is the person I want to be. And the person that I was will always be remembered.

They said that once we lose ourselves, we have two choices: Find the person we used to be or lose that person completely. I tried the first one. I tried to look for the person I used to be before this all happened. But in the midst of my search, I found nothing. I can't find her anymore. I knew then that she was buried somewhere far away. It cannot be measured by distance but by time. Time took her away.

And with time, I could make things better. I know that I'm not making a mistake here, I'm fixing one. It's time I step out of the person I've been and remember who I am meant to be. It's tragic to lose one's self, and yet I'm still happy I did. I guess they're right. Great things happen from those that scare us the most. It's when you are tested that you find who you truly are and discover who you can be.

This year, I may have lost my way. I got almost everything I wanted and wished for. But in reality, I lost even more. But, I'm willing to go on another journey. I'm going to find my way and gain what I have lost.

In the end, all that matters is you're willingness to drive through life again after all that happened. Keeping in mind the reason for this journey, I know I'll make it through. I will.

Labels: HEARTBREAK, LESSONS, LIFE, LOST

Labels: HEARTBREAK, LOST, LOVE

i really don't know how to start this entry so ill just tell you what happened today.

I woke up late this morning because I stayed up to help her with her research. I slept at 1:26am then woke up, 4 hours later ,screaming because I had cramps. It was so painful. Ive been having a lot of cramp moments lately. pfft. Every inch of me was aching. :(

I didnt eat breakfast because I was in a hurry. It was funny that i still arrived earlier than her and Luisa. When they arrived, I gave her the research and told them that I was going to wait for Estell. So, they went ahead.

Estell and I arrived at exactly 7am. We used the stairs instead of the elevator because i wanted to pass by room 301.:p But then, she wasnt there. She was late. Typog class was boring as usual. Sir Araw kept on ranting. My ears were bleeding because I was seated in front. I went out for a whil because I couldnt take it anymore. Time was passing by slowly. Nica and I, along with some friends [Alon, Marvin, Dea, Lynn] will be having lunch together.

We ate lunch in Lopez's then went to the nearby Internet shop because they had to print their Theology homework. We went to the Tan Yan Kee Center after. Nica craved for Zagu, so they went out. Marvina, Alon and I were the ones left in tayk. I was bored so I decided to doodle. Lady passed by and said hello. And then,


I saw her walking towards the tayk. My heart stopped. My heart skipped a beat. I saw the girl I know more than I do myself. I saw a flicker of the girl I once knew, the girl I love-and then it was gone.


She was walking towards us. I felt my breathing going unsteadily for a moment. I didnt know how to react. Should I greet her first or will I wait for her to greet me?

Then it hit me. It was the first time that I felt that way in three weeks. And for the first time in three weeks, the hole in my heart opened again. And then I realized that I have been missing her all this time. It wasnt like it was the first time I saw her after The End. I saw her just this morning. I saw her yesterday and the other day. I saw her last week. I cant understand what im feeling.


When I turned to look at her, there was something different about her. It was like nothing changed between us. It was like the past three weeks was just a bad dream. I may be wrong about this but there was really something different about her a while ago. Even the others felt the tension between us. They also felt that there was something different.


And after a while, she turned to leave. And just like The End, with sad eyes and a bleeding heart, I watched her go.

Labels: HEARTBREAK

hmm.i came across this song recently. Though, ive known this song for a long time. haha.not that long, i meant ever since it was released. I really love URBANDUB. I like their songs, even if i cant relate to them before. but now, i think this is the first URBANDUB song that i can relate to. not totally.except for the 'caught you in the arms of another...'haha.but i can somehow relate to it.

here's the lyrics:


EVIDENCE-URBANDUB

Time has a way of healing, or so they say
So why am I still left here cryin'?
Caught in these ways of emotions as people stare
I find there's no real place for me to hide
Well I've been trying in vain
Was only fooling myself
With each passing day
The pain still stays the same

Caught you in the arms of another
I've been dying everyday since then
Caught you in the arms of another
I've found out about you
Caught you in the arms of another
I've been dying everyday since then
Caught you in the arms of another
I've found out about you

What more is it that you need
Right now clearly it's not me
With every minute that I gave to you
The punches that I took from you
Why was there no warning love?
What more is it that you need?
Right now clearly it's not me
Despite everything I did for you
Excused if i'm surprised
was the moment that I found out that we were through

Caught you in the arms of another
I've been dying everyday since then
Caught you in the arms of another
I've found out about you
Caught you in the arms of another
I've been dying everyday since then
Caught you in the arms of another
I've found out about you

When everything seemed alright
You turn and break my heart
Didn't I deserve your love?
It kills me inside to think of his arms
Wrapped around you now, Is he a better lover than I?
Well I've been trying in vain
Was only fooling myself
With each passing day
The pain still stays the same

Caught you in the arms of another
I've been dying everyday since then
Caught you in the arms of another
I've found out about you
Caught you in the arms of another
I've found out about you
Caught you in the arms of another
I've found out about you
Caught you in the arms of another
I've found out about you
Caught you in the arms of another
I've found out about you

Time has a way of healing, or so they say
So why am I still left here?

Labels: HEARTBREAK

okay.i know a lot of you out there, especially, my friends are waiting for this to happen.so, eto na.

wait.pagbigyan nio muna ako.super tagalog entry,okay?tyaka pwede bang padrama muna, please?blog ko naman to eh.wag ka munang umangal kundi..haha.:p pero ayun.


nung mga nakaraang araw, sinabe ko sa sarili ko at sa mga close friends ko na, papabayaan ko na. di ko na ikkwento kung ano ung buong nangyari.basta nagusap kame last week.kase kelangan ko na talagang maliwanagan sa mga bagay bagay.at sabe ko pa 'im doing this to free myself.' kase nga napagisipisip ko na di ko na siya dapat hintayin kase wala rin namang kasiguraduhan kung hanggang kelan.kaya ayun, nagusap nga kame. tas madami akong nalaman.at un ung nakatulong sakin na magdecide.


kaya..papabayaan ko na lang siya. kase di naman na ako ung mahal nia. tyaka malinaw na talaga na ayaw nia na sakin.pero kahet pa ganun, FRIENDS kame. di naman ako naiilang na kasama siya.masaya nga ako pag kasama siya eh. tyaka ayun, maayos naman ung breakup namin.CLEAN BREAK. parang mutual ung decision.well, actually hindi, pumayag lang ako kase un ung gusto nia.haha.kahet alam kong tama ung mga sinabe niang dahilan. ayoko sanang ganun ung mangyari kase nga..SOBRANG MAHAL KO SIYA. naniniwala pa ko na kaya pang ayusin. pero ayun.its too late na nga daw. at bigla ko pang nalaman na..me minamahal na siya. so panu yun diba? ayoko na ring ipagpilitan ung sarili ko.

bago kayo magisip ng masama tungkol sa kanya..ako na ang unang pipigil sa inyo. continuation lan nung nangyare pagtapos namin magusap.pinagusapan naman namen ung relasyon nila ni girl#2. okay. masakit siya kahet papano.o sige na nga.nasasaktan ako. pero ayun nga, mas pinili kong makasama siya at maging friends kame habang nasasaktan kapag nagkkwento siya tungkol sa kanila kesa wala talaga. pero hindi naman ibig sabihin nun na di ako dapat nasasaktan diba?

kaya kung nababasa mo man to[sana hindi], alam kong sinabe mo sa kin na kapag nahihirapan ako sabihin ko sayo.gusto ko lang malaman mo na kaya di ko sinabe kase:

1. ayokong malungkot ka pa. kase gusto ko nga MASAYA KA NA.
2. ayokong magkaproblema pa kayo ni -ayun-.
3. ayoko ng magkagulo pa.
4. GUSTO KONG PANINDIGAN UNG PINANGAKO KO.

at tutuparin ko un kahet pa nasasaktan ako ngaun. ayoko nga kaseng lumayo ka. nung mga araw na di talaga tayo halos naguusap at parang walang pakealamanan, HIRAP NA HIRAP ako nun.kase narealize ko, tanggap ko na nga na di na tayo pwede.pero namimiss ko un bestfriend ko.gets?sabay nga kase nateng nadevelop ung relationship, friendship at sisterhood. kaya ayun, mahirap talaga na totally wala ka sa buhay ko. MY LIFE IS SUPER FUCKED UP RIGHT NOW. kaya, id rather embrace the pain and still be with you than nothing at all.

at nangako din ako kay girl #2 na bibigyan ko kayo ng time to be together kahet gusto ko lagi pa din kitang kasama pero ayoko namang mahirapan si girl # 2.siyempre friend ko pa din un. sabe nga nia, natatakot daw siya sa kin kase masyado daw akong masaya.hah.un ang akala nia.kung alam nio lang talaga.

pagbigyan nio na ko please?dito ko lang talaga to mabubuhos.

haii..pero gusto ko lang malaman mo na I MISS YOU LIKE WOAH. may i borrow a few lines from TWILIGHT?

'IT'S LIKE YOU'VE TAKEN HALF OF MYSELF WITH YOU.'

Labels: HEARTBREAK

time passes by..even for me. i feel like it's been months since..the end, even if it's just days.
I FEEL BETTER because I've finally accepted the fact that we can't be together anymore. Yes, there will be times that I would miss her a lot. I'm embracing that fact. I WANT TO. it's because I don't want to forget her and ALL those memories we've shared. It's sad to end something so beautiful, magical and full of life. And even up to now, somehow, i still want that. but, i know that i have to let her go. it's hard but i have to. i cant force her to feel the same way. i love her too much that i cant bear to see her suffer like that. and so, im setting her free.:)
IM NOT GIVING THIS UP BUT IM NOT GOING TO FIGHT FOR IT ANYMORE.it's enough. im just happy that somehow i still get to keep her as a friend. :) im happy that i met her and became a part of her life. im happy that she became a part of mine. im thankful because i know how hard it is to tell that person that you dont feel the same way anymore, but she was still able to conquer that fear and tell me because she doesnt want me to get hurt by not telling me. it was a very noble thing to do.
Im not saying that i wont get hurt in the process, thats normal. all im saying is, im happy now. the present matters the most. there will be hard times but i wont let that get the best of me. and whatever the future holds for me, i will face it head on. just like what you taught me, kaith.:) these things take time, and im willing to take it slow, to enjoy every minute of it. i know that ill pull through.:)
i know that this is trying to teach me something and again, im willing to learn the lesson.:) i have learned a lot from you and im going to take those lessons with me wherever i go, just like our memories. i know that you really loved me and im happy and thankful for that.:) we have shared a lot of things with each other. i will never forget that. :)
i love you and i will miss you always.:)
fairy tales shoudnt always have happy endings. fairy tales are fairy tales if we worked hard and if we fought for our happy endings.:) i've fought for mine and it may not be what i wanted but its worth it because i gave my everything and worked hard for it.:)

Labels: HEARTBREAK

What if the one you love left you?
What if it's not just some ordinary love?
What if you want to be with that person forever?
What if that person doesn't feel the same way anymore?
What if that person gives up on you?

What do you do?


No one is really prepared to deal with these kind of things. I wasn't prepared when this happened. So, there, you read it right. The one I love left me. The past few days, I already felt that something like this would happen, but I kept on reassuring myself that it won't. I believe that she still loves me. Even up to now, I believe that she still loves me..in a way. Why can't I believe the truth and not the lie?

It's because I choose not to. I want to believe that everything's gonna be alright. I want to believe that there's still hope.I'M STILL HOPING. I want it to be real, but I know that no matter how hard I pray, things just can't go back the way they used to. No matter how hard I try, I can't have it back. I can't have her back. She's the best part of my life. I know that I won't be the same person again.

On the bright side, we're still friends, bestfriends actually. Maybe we're better off as bestfriends.
I'm not giving up. I chose to dwell on the pain because I want to believe that there's still hope that she'd take me back. I don't want to forget all those memories we shared because those were the happiest of my life. She was a big part of me. If it weren't for her, I wouldn't be reaching for my dreams. I wouldn't be able to learn how to stand up for myself.

And now that she's gone..


Life, love, meaning, reason...it's over.


I would do anything just to have her back. I can't exactly tell you how much I'm hurting right now. I was devastated. It was like someone died. I DIED. I'm drowning in my own pain. I know that there's no hope anymore, I JUST DON'T WANT TO ACCEPT IT. Merely typing it gives me a hard time. But, if she will leave because of that, then I don't have any choice but to accept it. I can't afford to lose my bestfriend. It takes time. I don't know how much time it will take me to forget the best thing that ever happened to my life. I don't want to forget that. SHE WILL ALWAYS HAVE MY HEART. She is my GREATEST LOVE. And right now, I ONLY WANT HER.


And the saddest part is the morning after, because I believed that everything was just a dream, and that everything's going back to normal. It hurts to wake up crying and screaming and wanting the pain to go away. It hurts to wait for that text message and realizing that it's not coming anymore. It hurts to check your phone from time to time, waiting for her messages. It hurts not knowing what to expect in the morning. It hurts to go to bed without someone putting you to sleep.It hurts because you want her to read this, but at the same time, you don't, because you know that she'll get hurt. It hurts to watch her go on with her life as if nothing happened because she has to. It hurts because you want to hold her and never let her go when you're together. It hurts because you miss everything about her every second of every day. It hurts because you know that it won't happen anymore. It hurts because she has become a big part of your life, that everything about it seems dull without her.


It hurts because..SHE'S GONE.

Labels: HEARTBREAK

and i really thought that this was over. but, knowing you guys, you really wouldn't give me the peace of mind that i want. just when i thought that im already standing on some sort of a stable ground, here you are, trying to pull the rug underneath my feet. what will happen next?i'd still be blamed. i would still be labeled as the bad person--the SELF-CENTERED,KNOW-IT-ALL,TRYING HARD,CANT-KEEP-HER-MOUTH-SHUT BITCH OF THE CLASS. and you call me, your class president.right.thanks.



i said that this time i wouldnt let you get the best of me. i wouldnt mind anymore.i wouldnt get affected. but, of course, im a human being just like you, i get hurt. and forgive me for feeling that way. i guess you would tell me that i dont have that right, because ive hurt a lot of people because of who i am. then, sue me if you think that im committing murder here just by being with you in the same room.ugh,please. if i have the choice, then i would be moving as far as i can away from you.



too much drama.i dont wanna be righteous here anymore.coz, whenever i try or even if i dont try, you would always think that i am one. all i wanted is for you to understand. you may think that it's irritating that i keep on repeating some things, to the point that you all want to cover your ears until im done saying them. but try to think about it, i wouldnt be repeating those if you show me that the meassage has sinked in into you minds and hearts.



they say repeated experiences happen because of one thing, that is to teach us the lesson that we refuse to learn. that is implying that we still have to learn the lesson that this never-ending experience is teaching us. if you think about it, we have done open forums before, and still, here we are, stuck on that issue from open forum 1. isnt that tiring?


i just cant wait to see your downfall.

Labels: HEARTBREAK

if i could turn back time, i would.
i want a clean slate.
i want to start over.
i want to do things differently. if i have the choice, i would choose not to be in this class. if only i knew you guys back then, i would do ANYTHING to stay away from you, now that i know what kind of people you are. ive been told so many times, YOU ARE NOT WORTH FIGHTING FOR, but still i kept on fighting for you, coz i thought that maybe, just maybe, there's something in you that's worth it. I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER.I SHOULD HAVE LISTENED.I SHOULD HAVE WALKED AWAY INSTEAD OF HOLDING ON. did it do me any good?NO, IT DID NOT.

and now, you made things more complicated. i was trying to fix the puzzle, but here you are, destroying every piece ive worked hard to put together. IM CRUSHED. IM FALLING APART. i gave it a shot, but I STILL MISSED IT.

They say, you can't please everybody.TRUE. i already know that, so don't you dare make that as an excuse for all your crap. True as it may seem, it doesn't mean that the person is not worthy of the chance. Like what ESTELL said, YOU'RE NO GOD TO JUDGE ME.

yes, ive done the same so many times. but I DONT CLOSE MY DOORS TO THOSE PEOPLE WHO WANT TO KNOW ME.I GAVE THEM THE CHANCE TO PROVE THEMSELVES WRONG. i tried that.i tried to prove you wrong, but it seems like, it was too late for that. YOU'VE LABELED ME. so what will i do?will i continue to prove myself or will i just give up and let you bitches live your life the way you want to? well, you know what i did. I GAVE UP, didn't i? because it wasn't worth it anymore.

YOU ARE NOT WORTH IT.

Labels: HEARTBREAK

EURA YUSTE is a seventeen-year old girl who loves ART and MUSIC. She thinks that blogging si not just a theraphy, it's her way of life. She values her family and friends more than herself. She is currently living in one of the hottest places in the world. But, loves MANILA to bits. Writing and fashion are her ways of expression. She hopes that her passion for PHOTOGRAPHY and EVENTS MANAGEMENT will help her pay the bills someday. Wanna knowmore?

What would you do, if someone you really love, passed away while you were halfway around the world?

One of my closest titas, passed away today. And up to now, I don't know the exact cause of her death. We were just told that she died because of a terrible sickness. I'm not sure, though I know that it has something to do with her heart. I knew that. Before we left for Abu Dhabi, I remember reading one of her text messages asking for financial help from our family because she was going to undergo surgery for her heart. And then, I remember reading another text message from my other tita(her sister) saying that the operation went well and they were really thankful for the money that we donated.

But now...she's gone. I wasn't even able to bond with her before I left the country. I wasn't able to visit the province before leaving because I was sick. I feel really bad because we're really close when we were young. She was in her teens while I was just learning to walk. She was with me all the time when I was young. She lived with us then.

I think the last time I saw her was also the last time I visited the province which was last year, last summer. I'm just really sad. She's still young. I think she's in her late twenties/early thirties. My mom broke the news while we were in the car, on the way to the grocery to buy food for their anniversary party tomorrow. I can remember the exact conversation:

Mommy: Dadaan pala tayo sa simbahan.

Me, Eunice and Edrick: Baket po?

Mommy: Kase magtitirik tayo ng... kandila.

Me: baket? * I was nervous, waiting for her next words. I knew that there was something wrong.*

Mommy: Wala na...si..Tita Grace niyo.

We all gasped. And then fell silent for the next minutes. I was staring outside the window. I wasn't able to speak. I just can't. I don't want to think that she's..not breathing anymore. I can't even cry.

I guess I'm just devastated. I prayed for her. I know that she's happy now, because she's with God and her mom (my lola's sister). I prayed for her loved-ones as well. It's going to be tough for them, now that she's not around anymore.

I just wish that this didn't happen while I was away. I want to see her for the last time. I want to be there. But as it is, I can't.

*This was supposed to be posted last night, but because of certain circumstances, I wasn't able to. To whoever is reading this, I hope that you can include her and our family in your prayers. Thank you. *

Labels: FAMILY, HEARTBREAK, LOST, UNEXPECTED

Goodbye, Francis Magalona. :(

You will be missed. You have lived a great life. And you will be remembered forever.

Labels: HEARTBREAK, LOST, UNEXPECTED

Before anything else, I would like to greet all of you a happy new year! :) I've been waiting for this day to come. Can you smell my excitement for this year?You just can't see it, but I'm jumping up and down right now. :P kidding. :)

I've been surfing the net a lot these days, because I'd rather surf than do my plates. Yes, I know I'm very lazy as of the moment. But I did some of them earlier this week. I'm just really not in the mood to do anything school-related.

Last night, before going to sleep, I did my tradition. I wrote my predictions for this year. I was actually able to come up with 18 predictions. I thought I wouldn't be able to do so. Anyway, there's this part there where I wrote that this year I would be true to myself and to others. That's why I'm doing this.

I told myself that I would be having a lot of 'me' time this vacation, and I did. It was fun. I was also able to bond with my family and other close relatives. It felt good to be able to have time for my family and for myself. Yes, I was happy. I am happy. I was able to do a lot, spend a lot, shop a lot, eat a lot, sleep a lot, get drunk a lot..and so on. But at the end of every single day..

It's still you that I'm thinking of. It's still you that I dream about every night that it makes me want to stay awake because I don't want to dream of you. It's still your text messages that I want to read every time my phone vibrates. It's still you who holds this heart.

And I hate to say it aloud. I don't want my friends to know about this. I don't want them to think that I'm still that same girl because I'm not. I'm not the same person. I can never be that person I was with you. I'm alone. And sometimes it sucks. No matter how happy it makes me feel to be able to do a lot of things that I don't do before, sometimes I miss having someone. I miss having you.

I've read somewhere that sometimes we have to be alone for us to know what we really want in life. Maybe I'm just really not used to it yet. They say that happiness comes from within. And yes, I found that happiness within me and believe me, it feels good. I don't want to rush. I know that I still have a lot of things to know about myself. And I'm willing to make time for that. That's why I'm thankful for this year, because I'm given the chance to live my life the way I want to. The best part about every year is that we get to have a lot of chances again. And this time, I won't let them pass me by.

I'm just so confused. I don't know what I want. I can't even cry to let this out. And it scares me a lot. That is one thing, though. I'm scared. This is one thing I am sure of. Maybe I'm really messed up. I really can't explain. I want to be strong for myself so that I wouldn't be falling apart like this anymore. I'm so unstable right now.

Labels: HEARTBREAK

There are a lot of things on my mind right now. And knowing me[if you read my blog], I'm known for writing very long entries. And I'm telling you right now that this is going to be a long one. Read on if you want. I don't care. I just want to write[in this case, type :P] this down for memory's sake. Moving on..

Looking back on the year that is nearing its end, I think about everything that happened. And when I look back, I feel like I'm so far from that person I used to be when I was in high school. I'm so far from that person I used to be a few weeks back. It's funny how people adjust to what's going on in their life without knowing that they are. It's funny how we can lose ourselves to something that we thought will be worth it. But the truth is, there's nothing in this world worthy of losing one's self.

This year, I wasn't able to get a hold of my life. I thought I was, though. I got lost in my own journey, because I let others take the wheel. I thought I was strong enough to let go and just go with the flow. But, I wasn't.

Losing myself is the hardest battle because I have to fight with who I was, who I am and who I want to be. But I kept on fighting. I'll never stop fighting for who I am. But in the end, it all boils down to one, it will always be who I am. Somehow, I know that somewhere deep within me is the person I want to be. And the person that I was will always be remembered.

They said that once we lose ourselves, we have two choices: Find the person we used to be or lose that person completely. I tried the first one. I tried to look for the person I used to be before this all happened. But in the midst of my search, I found nothing. I can't find her anymore. I knew then that she was buried somewhere far away. It cannot be measured by distance but by time. Time took her away.

And with time, I could make things better. I know that I'm not making a mistake here, I'm fixing one. It's time I step out of the person I've been and remember who I am meant to be. It's tragic to lose one's self, and yet I'm still happy I did. I guess they're right. Great things happen from those that scare us the most. It's when you are tested that you find who you truly are and discover who you can be.

This year, I may have lost my way. I got almost everything I wanted and wished for. But in reality, I lost even more. But, I'm willing to go on another journey. I'm going to find my way and gain what I have lost.

In the end, all that matters is you're willingness to drive through life again after all that happened. Keeping in mind the reason for this journey, I know I'll make it through. I will.

Labels: HEARTBREAK, LESSONS, LIFE, LOST

Labels: HEARTBREAK, LOST, LOVE

i really don't know how to start this entry so ill just tell you what happened today.

I woke up late this morning because I stayed up to help her with her research. I slept at 1:26am then woke up, 4 hours later ,screaming because I had cramps. It was so painful. Ive been having a lot of cramp moments lately. pfft. Every inch of me was aching. :(

I didnt eat breakfast because I was in a hurry. It was funny that i still arrived earlier than her and Luisa. When they arrived, I gave her the research and told them that I was going to wait for Estell. So, they went ahead.

Estell and I arrived at exactly 7am. We used the stairs instead of the elevator because i wanted to pass by room 301.:p But then, she wasnt there. She was late. Typog class was boring as usual. Sir Araw kept on ranting. My ears were bleeding because I was seated in front. I went out for a whil because I couldnt take it anymore. Time was passing by slowly. Nica and I, along with some friends [Alon, Marvin, Dea, Lynn] will be having lunch together.

We ate lunch in Lopez's then went to the nearby Internet shop because they had to print their Theology homework. We went to the Tan Yan Kee Center after. Nica craved for Zagu, so they went out. Marvina, Alon and I were the ones left in tayk. I was bored so I decided to doodle. Lady passed by and said hello. And then,


I saw her walking towards the tayk. My heart stopped. My heart skipped a beat. I saw the girl I know more than I do myself. I saw a flicker of the girl I once knew, the girl I love-and then it was gone.


She was walking towards us. I felt my breathing going unsteadily for a moment. I didnt know how to react. Should I greet her first or will I wait for her to greet me?

Then it hit me. It was the first time that I felt that way in three weeks. And for the first time in three weeks, the hole in my heart opened again. And then I realized that I have been missing her all this time. It wasnt like it was the first time I saw her after The End. I saw her just this morning. I saw her yesterday and the other day. I saw her last week. I cant understand what im feeling.


When I turned to look at her, there was something different about her. It was like nothing changed between us. It was like the past three weeks was just a bad dream. I may be wrong about this but there was really something different about her a while ago. Even the others felt the tension between us. They also felt that there was something different.


And after a while, she turned to leave. And just like The End, with sad eyes and a bleeding heart, I watched her go.

Labels: HEARTBREAK

hmm.i came across this song recently. Though, ive known this song for a long time. haha.not that long, i meant ever since it was released. I really love URBANDUB. I like their songs, even if i cant relate to them before. but now, i think this is the first URBANDUB song that i can relate to. not totally.except for the 'caught you in the arms of another...'haha.but i can somehow relate to it.

here's the lyrics:


EVIDENCE-URBANDUB

Time has a way of healing, or so they say
So why am I still left here cryin'?
Caught in these ways of emotions as people stare
I find there's no real place for me to hide
Well I've been trying in vain
Was only fooling myself
With each passing day
The pain still stays the same

Caught you in the arms of another
I've been dying everyday since then
Caught you in the arms of another
I've found out about you
Caught you in the arms of another
I've been dying everyday since then
Caught you in the arms of another
I've found out about you

What more is it that you need
Right now clearly it's not me
With every minute that I gave to you
The punches that I took from you
Why was there no warning love?
What more is it that you need?
Right now clearly it's not me
Despite everything I did for you
Excused if i'm surprised
was the moment that I found out that we were through

Caught you in the arms of another
I've been dying everyday since then
Caught you in the arms of another
I've found out about you
Caught you in the arms of another
I've been dying everyday since then
Caught you in the arms of another
I've found out about you

When everything seemed alright
You turn and break my heart
Didn't I deserve your love?
It kills me inside to think of his arms
Wrapped around you now, Is he a better lover than I?
Well I've been trying in vain
Was only fooling myself
With each passing day
The pain still stays the same

Caught you in the arms of another
I've been dying everyday since then
Caught you in the arms of another
I've found out about you
Caught you in the arms of another
I've found out about you
Caught you in the arms of another
I've found out about you
Caught you in the arms of another
I've found out about you
Caught you in the arms of another
I've found out about you

Time has a way of healing, or so they say
So why am I still left here?

Labels: HEARTBREAK

okay.i know a lot of you out there, especially, my friends are waiting for this to happen.so, eto na.

wait.pagbigyan nio muna ako.super tagalog entry,okay?tyaka pwede bang padrama muna, please?blog ko naman to eh.wag ka munang umangal kundi..haha.:p pero ayun.


nung mga nakaraang araw, sinabe ko sa sarili ko at sa mga close friends ko na, papabayaan ko na. di ko na ikkwento kung ano ung buong nangyari.basta nagusap kame last week.kase kelangan ko na talagang maliwanagan sa mga bagay bagay.at sabe ko pa 'im doing this to free myself.' kase nga napagisipisip ko na di ko na siya dapat hintayin kase wala rin namang kasiguraduhan kung hanggang kelan.kaya ayun, nagusap nga kame. tas madami akong nalaman.at un ung nakatulong sakin na magdecide.


kaya..papabayaan ko na lang siya. kase di naman na ako ung mahal nia. tyaka malinaw na talaga na ayaw nia na sakin.pero kahet pa ganun, FRIENDS kame. di naman ako naiilang na kasama siya.masaya nga ako pag kasama siya eh. tyaka ayun, maayos naman ung breakup namin.CLEAN BREAK. parang mutual ung decision.well, actually hindi, pumayag lang ako kase un ung gusto nia.haha.kahet alam kong tama ung mga sinabe niang dahilan. ayoko sanang ganun ung mangyari kase nga..SOBRANG MAHAL KO SIYA. naniniwala pa ko na kaya pang ayusin. pero ayun.its too late na nga daw. at bigla ko pang nalaman na..me minamahal na siya. so panu yun diba? ayoko na ring ipagpilitan ung sarili ko.

bago kayo magisip ng masama tungkol sa kanya..ako na ang unang pipigil sa inyo. continuation lan nung nangyare pagtapos namin magusap.pinagusapan naman namen ung relasyon nila ni girl#2. okay. masakit siya kahet papano.o sige na nga.nasasaktan ako. pero ayun nga, mas pinili kong makasama siya at maging friends kame habang nasasaktan kapag nagkkwento siya tungkol sa kanila kesa wala talaga. pero hindi naman ibig sabihin nun na di ako dapat nasasaktan diba?

kaya kung nababasa mo man to[sana hindi], alam kong sinabe mo sa kin na kapag nahihirapan ako sabihin ko sayo.gusto ko lang malaman mo na kaya di ko sinabe kase:

1. ayokong malungkot ka pa. kase gusto ko nga MASAYA KA NA.
2. ayokong magkaproblema pa kayo ni -ayun-.
3. ayoko ng magkagulo pa.
4. GUSTO KONG PANINDIGAN UNG PINANGAKO KO.

at tutuparin ko un kahet pa nasasaktan ako ngaun. ayoko nga kaseng lumayo ka. nung mga araw na di talaga tayo halos naguusap at parang walang pakealamanan, HIRAP NA HIRAP ako nun.kase narealize ko, tanggap ko na nga na di na tayo pwede.pero namimiss ko un bestfriend ko.gets?sabay nga kase nateng nadevelop ung relationship, friendship at sisterhood. kaya ayun, mahirap talaga na totally wala ka sa buhay ko. MY LIFE IS SUPER FUCKED UP RIGHT NOW. kaya, id rather embrace the pain and still be with you than nothing at all.

at nangako din ako kay girl #2 na bibigyan ko kayo ng time to be together kahet gusto ko lagi pa din kitang kasama pero ayoko namang mahirapan si girl # 2.siyempre friend ko pa din un. sabe nga nia, natatakot daw siya sa kin kase masyado daw akong masaya.hah.un ang akala nia.kung alam nio lang talaga.

pagbigyan nio na ko please?dito ko lang talaga to mabubuhos.

haii..pero gusto ko lang malaman mo na I MISS YOU LIKE WOAH. may i borrow a few lines from TWILIGHT?

'IT'S LIKE YOU'VE TAKEN HALF OF MYSELF WITH YOU.'

Labels: HEARTBREAK

time passes by..even for me. i feel like it's been months since..the end, even if it's just days.
I FEEL BETTER because I've finally accepted the fact that we can't be together anymore. Yes, there will be times that I would miss her a lot. I'm embracing that fact. I WANT TO. it's because I don't want to forget her and ALL those memories we've shared. It's sad to end something so beautiful, magical and full of life. And even up to now, somehow, i still want that. but, i know that i have to let her go. it's hard but i have to. i cant force her to feel the same way. i love her too much that i cant bear to see her suffer like that. and so, im setting her free.:)
IM NOT GIVING THIS UP BUT IM NOT GOING TO FIGHT FOR IT ANYMORE.it's enough. im just happy that somehow i still get to keep her as a friend. :) im happy that i met her and became a part of her life. im happy that she became a part of mine. im thankful because i know how hard it is to tell that person that you dont feel the same way anymore, but she was still able to conquer that fear and tell me because she doesnt want me to get hurt by not telling me. it was a very noble thing to do.
Im not saying that i wont get hurt in the process, thats normal. all im saying is, im happy now. the present matters the most. there will be hard times but i wont let that get the best of me. and whatever the future holds for me, i will face it head on. just like what you taught me, kaith.:) these things take time, and im willing to take it slow, to enjoy every minute of it. i know that ill pull through.:)
i know that this is trying to teach me something and again, im willing to learn the lesson.:) i have learned a lot from you and im going to take those lessons with me wherever i go, just like our memories. i know that you really loved me and im happy and thankful for that.:) we have shared a lot of things with each other. i will never forget that. :)
i love you and i will miss you always.:)
fairy tales shoudnt always have happy endings. fairy tales are fairy tales if we worked hard and if we fought for our happy endings.:) i've fought for mine and it may not be what i wanted but its worth it because i gave my everything and worked hard for it.:)

Labels: HEARTBREAK

What if the one you love left you?
What if it's not just some ordinary love?
What if you want to be with that person forever?
What if that person doesn't feel the same way anymore?
What if that person gives up on you?

What do you do?


No one is really prepared to deal with these kind of things. I wasn't prepared when this happened. So, there, you read it right. The one I love left me. The past few days, I already felt that something like this would happen, but I kept on reassuring myself that it won't. I believe that she still loves me. Even up to now, I believe that she still loves me..in a way. Why can't I believe the truth and not the lie?

It's because I choose not to. I want to believe that everything's gonna be alright. I want to believe that there's still hope.I'M STILL HOPING. I want it to be real, but I know that no matter how hard I pray, things just can't go back the way they used to. No matter how hard I try, I can't have it back. I can't have her back. She's the best part of my life. I know that I won't be the same person again.

On the bright side, we're still friends, bestfriends actually. Maybe we're better off as bestfriends.
I'm not giving up. I chose to dwell on the pain because I want to believe that there's still hope that she'd take me back. I don't want to forget all those memories we shared because those were the happiest of my life. She was a big part of me. If it weren't for her, I wouldn't be reaching for my dreams. I wouldn't be able to learn how to stand up for myself.

And now that she's gone..


Life, love, meaning, reason...it's over.


I would do anything just to have her back. I can't exactly tell you how much I'm hurting right now. I was devastated. It was like someone died. I DIED. I'm drowning in my own pain. I know that there's no hope anymore, I JUST DON'T WANT TO ACCEPT IT. Merely typing it gives me a hard time. But, if she will leave because of that, then I don't have any choice but to accept it. I can't afford to lose my bestfriend. It takes time. I don't know how much time it will take me to forget the best thing that ever happened to my life. I don't want to forget that. SHE WILL ALWAYS HAVE MY HEART. She is my GREATEST LOVE. And right now, I ONLY WANT HER.


And the saddest part is the morning after, because I believed that everything was just a dream, and that everything's going back to normal. It hurts to wake up crying and screaming and wanting the pain to go away. It hurts to wait for that text message and realizing that it's not coming anymore. It hurts to check your phone from time to time, waiting for her messages. It hurts not knowing what to expect in the morning. It hurts to go to bed without someone putting you to sleep.It hurts because you want her to read this, but at the same time, you don't, because you know that she'll get hurt. It hurts to watch her go on with her life as if nothing happened because she has to. It hurts because you want to hold her and never let her go when you're together. It hurts because you miss everything about her every second of every day. It hurts because you know that it won't happen anymore. It hurts because she has become a big part of your life, that everything about it seems dull without her.


It hurts because..SHE'S GONE.

Labels: HEARTBREAK

and i really thought that this was over. but, knowing you guys, you really wouldn't give me the peace of mind that i want. just when i thought that im already standing on some sort of a stable ground, here you are, trying to pull the rug underneath my feet. what will happen next?i'd still be blamed. i would still be labeled as the bad person--the SELF-CENTERED,KNOW-IT-ALL,TRYING HARD,CANT-KEEP-HER-MOUTH-SHUT BITCH OF THE CLASS. and you call me, your class president.right.thanks.



i said that this time i wouldnt let you get the best of me. i wouldnt mind anymore.i wouldnt get affected. but, of course, im a human being just like you, i get hurt. and forgive me for feeling that way. i guess you would tell me that i dont have that right, because ive hurt a lot of people because of who i am. then, sue me if you think that im committing murder here just by being with you in the same room.ugh,please. if i have the choice, then i would be moving as far as i can away from you.



too much drama.i dont wanna be righteous here anymore.coz, whenever i try or even if i dont try, you would always think that i am one. all i wanted is for you to understand. you may think that it's irritating that i keep on repeating some things, to the point that you all want to cover your ears until im done saying them. but try to think about it, i wouldnt be repeating those if you show me that the meassage has sinked in into you minds and hearts.



they say repeated experiences happen because of one thing, that is to teach us the lesson that we refuse to learn. that is implying that we still have to learn the lesson that this never-ending experience is teaching us. if you think about it, we have done open forums before, and still, here we are, stuck on that issue from open forum 1. isnt that tiring?


i just cant wait to see your downfall.

Labels: HEARTBREAK

if i could turn back time, i would.
i want a clean slate.
i want to start over.
i want to do things differently. if i have the choice, i would choose not to be in this class. if only i knew you guys back then, i would do ANYTHING to stay away from you, now that i know what kind of people you are. ive been told so many times, YOU ARE NOT WORTH FIGHTING FOR, but still i kept on fighting for you, coz i thought that maybe, just maybe, there's something in you that's worth it. I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER.I SHOULD HAVE LISTENED.I SHOULD HAVE WALKED AWAY INSTEAD OF HOLDING ON. did it do me any good?NO, IT DID NOT.

and now, you made things more complicated. i was trying to fix the puzzle, but here you are, destroying every piece ive worked hard to put together. IM CRUSHED. IM FALLING APART. i gave it a shot, but I STILL MISSED IT.

They say, you can't please everybody.TRUE. i already know that, so don't you dare make that as an excuse for all your crap. True as it may seem, it doesn't mean that the person is not worthy of the chance. Like what ESTELL said, YOU'RE NO GOD TO JUDGE ME.

yes, ive done the same so many times. but I DONT CLOSE MY DOORS TO THOSE PEOPLE WHO WANT TO KNOW ME.I GAVE THEM THE CHANCE TO PROVE THEMSELVES WRONG. i tried that.i tried to prove you wrong, but it seems like, it was too late for that. YOU'VE LABELED ME. so what will i do?will i continue to prove myself or will i just give up and let you bitches live your life the way you want to? well, you know what i did. I GAVE UP, didn't i? because it wasn't worth it anymore.

YOU ARE NOT WORTH IT.

Labels: HEARTBREAK