Everyone has told me, including my mom, to stop looking back and just let it go. Let her go. Have I stayed away long enough not to get hurt again? Just when I thought I have, I haven't. There's still a little part of me that doesn't want to do that no matter how many times they have been telling me to let go..even for a while. I just can't. Not now. Not when I have to leave in a few months, without knowing when I'll be back here again.

I can't leave things here like that. I have to know that it's okay. That I'm okay. That We're okay. That we can be friends again. I have, well, I want to know that she still cares for me. AS FRIENDS. No more, no less, because I still do. I care for her. I owe her a lot. She has to know that I'm thankful for everything that happened. If it weren't for that, I wouldn't know what I'm really missing, what I truly need.

I'm not saying that I have moved on already. I've accepted the fact that things can't go back to the way they were. If I were to choose, I would choose the present because I'm happy, wait scratch that, I'm fulfilled. But, I think I would be happier if everything's okay. Or at least, on the way to being okay.

I can't ler her go not because I still love her that way, or I'm still hoping that we can be together again, but because I don't want to lose a friend. I want us to be friends, because we started out that way. The past 2 years that we were together, we were also able to develop that friendship, somehow. We were like, more than bestfriends but less than lovers, even though we're really together.

As much as I'm happy now, at the end of every day, I can't help but wish that she's one of those people that I've spent that day with, may it be good or bad. I miss her. I miss her company. I miss hanging out. I miss our tandem. She's one of the people who have made a difference in my life. I hope she knows that.

So tell me, how will I let go? I feel like a soul with an unfinished business. I hope that I'll be able to figure this out before time runs out.

Labels: LOST

Labels: ADVENTURES, HAPPINESS, RANDOM

I was blog-hopping a while ago, just before I wrote this entry. I read a couple of blogs whose owners are of my age. They were talking about how their days went, how they spent their weekends, who they hung out with, what they did and the like. You know, the happy life? And then, I look at my own blog and read my entries. And I realized that I don't always talk about those kinds of things here. It made me wonder why.

Sure, those kinds of things make me happy. Hanging out with my friends, bonding with the family, conversations over coffee, shopping, listening to music and all those other things we do for fun. I enjoy them a lot. But if I really do, then why do I not write about it?

If you read my entries, all that you can read are my realizations, principles, lessons learned, maybe even regrets. And you'll probably know who I am, just by reading them. In my world, words like mistakes, regrets, realizations, change are a little too overused. I can't help it. It's who I've become. I'm taking life more seriously now. I owe myself that. I've been living my life by going with the current. It's time I live it the way I want it. And this is how I want to live it.

I think the reason why I don't write about what others write about is because I want to be different because I am. I beg to differ. Yes, we go through the same kinds of things, not totally the same but similar. And if I'm going to write about the same thing, then I would probabaly be lying because it's not what I want to write about.

So, why do I write, you ask? I write because I love writing. It's a break from the artsy fartsy world. You may find it ironic that a person who loves drawing, loves writing too.

I write because I want to prove something, something that I don't know yet. Maybe I do. Maybe I'm proving it to you already.

I write because I want to tell you how I feel. I want to express myself through writing like how I express myself through my art.

I write because I want to make a difference. I want my articles to matter to someone. I want others to learn from what I write. I want others to learn from my mistakes and my experiences. I want you to learn from my story. I want others to find hope in my life.

I write because I want you to know who I am. I want all of you to know that there is so much more to that girl who smiles as if nothing happened, though you all know that she's just keeping it all inside. There's more to me. There's more to my life. And I want to be known for who I've become, who I am now.

This is my silver lining. It's not partying, shopping, hanging around and a lot of other things. They do mean a lot to me. But this means a whole lot more. And to know that I've made a difference in the lives of the people I love is beyond what I wished for. It's when I will know that I've gained more than what I gave. And for me, that's what matters the most in this world.

Labels: LESSONS, LIFE

I really don't have anything to say or write right now, but I just feel like it. This is one of those times when I just want to stop and take a look at how I've been living my life for the past weeks.

Well, to be honest, I was a mess this week. I would say that I was pretty much in a bad shape, physically and emotionally. It's one helluva week mostly because of the plates due this week. There are only a few actually. But, god, they're so difficult to do. I'm just so tired. And Im kindov glad that I made it alive. I thought I was going to drop dead any moment. :)) It came to a point where I had to cut class just to go home and get some sleep. Beat that. :P I actually did that, err, thrice this week?

I was thinking a while ago that maybe I'm overthinking already. Okay. Seems ironic huh? I mean about everything that's happening, I feel like I'm thinking about them too much? wait.scratch that. Thinking and then talking about them so much. I sound like a broken record already.

And I'm worried that maybe the people around me are getting tired of listening to what I have to say. But, to be honest, I haven't been talking about it as often as I do before. And that actually made me smile. :)

Some people notice that too. I think I've learned to keep some things to myself. And that's good, I think.

Oh look. Time flies so fast. I can't believe that it's nearly 11pm. I have to hit the sack now. I've got a wedding tomorrow. It's my cousin's and I'm one of the bridesmaids. If I don't sleep now I would probably look more like a panda than a bridesmaid. =))

Goodnight humans. :) yes. I know this is random, but wth. :P

Labels: LIFE, RANDOM

"How many moments in life can you point to and say, 'that's when it all changed.' "

-Brooke Davis; One Tree Hill


If you know me, really know me, you'll probably know that I am a One Tree Hill Series Addict. Well, if you don't, then now you know. :)

There are a lot of moments in my life when I say that I've changed. If you read my past posts you'll know what I mean. Anyway, everytime I acknowledge the change, I feel this certain kind of fulfillment or happiness or whatever you call it, but not the kind that lasts long. I still feel like there's still something there that I have to know, something that would finally give me THAT fulfillment.

I tried to let it all out. I thought that maybe there's still something about the past that I have to accept. Though that is still true and I'm on the process as of the moment, there's no need to rush. I kept on wanting something but I don't know what that something is, or who. I even considered the fact that maybe I really can't live without a partner. Being single is fabulous and it gives me that kind of happiness that no one else can, the kind that comes from within. But then, when I think about it, I like being alone from time to time. I don't have a problem with that. And it's something that I haven't done for a long time now, which only makes it more exciting. I'm into trying new things lately, that's why.

So, I just let things be before I get myself into something that I would regret. And then I had this feeling that I'm not satisfied with what I'm pursuing. That there's more to my life than that. And I got scared because I've been holding on to this dream since I was a kid, and it would be disappointing and heartbreaking to let go of it now that I'm here.

It's hard for me to let go of that, because I've spent the last 7 years of my life waiting for it to happen. And when it did, I didn't feel the same anymore. It didn't feel like I've been wanting it for the past years. And I guess that I pursued it because I wanted to be with that person. It was like I was reaching for my dreams for her. It's such a shame for it to happen, but it did.

And then I told myself that it's still important to me, that if I can't be good at it, I'd rather not destroy it. I was desperately trying to find my purpose in pursuing that dream. And even up to now, I know that I still want to pursue it. I'm just not strong enough to do that, not yet. Maybe I would still be able to but not in ways that I have imagined it. I want it to happen because it was meant to be, but that doesn't mean that I won't work hard for it. I've already worked hard, why stop now?

I never thought that it will come to this point, that I would have to let go of the place where I imagined it to happen. And just now, I realized that I never wanted to let go of that dream, just the place where I want it to happen.

That's why I'm leaving.

I realized that I have to find myself again with the people that loves me the most, my family. And I can't do it here because my parents aren't with me. So, I'm moving in with them. I realized that I don't really need someone to love me back, to appreciate me, to know my worth and love me for who I am. I just need my parents to finally, and truly see who I really am, and still love me for me. I've finally figured out that that's what I've been longing for all this time.

Sure, it's great to love and be loved by that person you love. It's one of the most wonderful things in the world that science can never define. But, nothing beats love from your family. Romantic love relationships can never fill the love you need from them. And maybe that's why I can never be complete, because even though I was in a relationship at that time, I still needed more because I don't feel that from my family.

I never really knew or feel how it's like to have a family. A real one. I grew up with my extended family. I live with them up to now. And I love them for taking care of us and taking over the responsiblity of our parents in their absence. But even though, they can never satisfy my need to have my parents by my side, especially when I was growing up.

As much as I understand why they had to leave, that part of me still remains empty. That's why I've decided that I will live with them again. It's time that we give ourselves time to be with each other. I, for myself, miss being a daughter. And I know that my mom and dad miss being parents too. Plus, I don't want my younger siblings to go through what I am going through right now without our parents.

I know that I am doing the right thing. And there's nothing you can do or say to make me change my decision. I just hope some people would understand that this is not about going to an international university or studying abroad. It's more than that. And please, stop thinking that I'm throwing my education or my life, for that matter, away. I just want to be with my parents. I want my family. It's not like I'm getting myself pregnant or something. If you only knew how much I've been wanting to do this for so long, but I didn't took my chance, because I haven't realized that this is what I need. Just let me be happy. Let US be happy.

"Sometimes we aren't even wishing for that thing we really need."
-Sulamina Mum; The Wedding Planner's Daughter

And I believe that. I wished for love. I wished for someone to be with me. I was afraid to be alone then. And all I ever wanted at that time was to have somebody that I could cry to every night, someone who would take my tears away. I wished for someone to love me for who I am and never question what I have become and who I was. What I didn't realize is, I'm wishing for something that I already have. And, I guess you could say that I'm lucky because I have two. I have my mom and dad. :)

Labels: LIFE, LOVE, STARTING OVER

I went out with tin and dinne a while ago. It was unexpected, actually. I had my nails done while Tin was getting her hair cut. :) I was supposed to have mine cut too, but then I got cold feet. :P Bukas na lang. :) Joyride bonding tomorrow!inuman time. :P gosh. I missed all of them so much! :) Tapos may pasok na ulet sa monday.I'm excited. Kahet wala pa kong homework sa math. :P ADTHREE, pakopya na lang! :P


I've been having weird dreams lately. Actually, since the start of the break. To give you an idea, I dreamt about the same person for one whole week and the same thing happened. It's not really the same thing but, the plot was the same. Though some were done differently, it still boils down to one thing. I know that I've been having other dreams aside from that, but it's the only one I can remember. weird. It makes me scared to go to sleep. :/


I'm thinking of getting a haircut again, but I'm still not sure about that. I really want to, though.
I want to cut my hair shorter than the usual. Like this:

That's Xian Mikol from The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency. I really like her. :) My sister said that I'd look better if my hair was like that. :)

I read my horoscope today. I'm not really a fan of horoscopes but I gave it a try. I want to know what the stars have in store for me. Nakakatawa lang na sobrang sakto nung mga readings. :/ Nagpaparinig ata. :))

Wah.Gusto ko na talagang pumasok. I wanna be busy. Tyaka nakakabato na dito sa bahay. Iba pa rin talaga pag sa school.

I've been thinking. Maybe, I really am a person who loves drama. I mean I know I worry too much, I'm paranoid and all that. I'm a kind of person who loves to make problems for myself. Super hilig kong mamroblema. Ung mga di dapat pinoproblema, minsan pinoproblema ko pa rin. gosh, I'm giving myself an early death. I guess I'm just full of anger right now. I mean, un ung nararamdaman ko as of the moment. Gosh. I really do love the drama. See?I'm a drama queen. haha!okay. im not crazy. or maybe i am. err.i hate this. :/

I don't know what I want. But, I know that I need someone to talk to. Someone who would really listen. Yeah, I have my friends. Pero minsan, i feel like rindi na rin sila sakin. So, I don't bother them that much anymore. Plus, whatever this is that I am facing right now, I want to get through this on my own. Sides, I don't want my friends to worry about me. I guess, gusto ko ding iprove sa kanila at sa sarili ko na nag-mature na talaga ako by dealing with my problems on my own.

I know they would offer help and all. Pero ewan ko. I just don't feel like sharing right now. Honestly, I really don't feel okay right now. and I don't know why. Problems or issues are just coming in out of nowhere all at the same time and that sucks. I want to get a stronger grip of my life. I feel like it's slipping away. I hate it when I'm thinking too much. But what will I do? I really can't help it. Tyaka anu pa ba ang pwede kong isipin diba? I try to think about other things like plates,family,summer and friends. Pero may kanya-kanya ding issue dun eh. *sigh

I guess it's one thing that I miss about having a special someone. I miss thinking about a person that makes me happy. It's not just a distraction from everything that's bothering me, it gives me that comfort. Yung tipong iisipin ko lang ung taong un, mawawala na lahat o mapapangiti na lang ako. Ngayon kase, wala namang taong ganun para sa kin. Sure, I like somebody. But, it's different. I don't feel that comfort when I think about him.

I know I can live without having someone who makes me feel that way. Pero, hindi ako bato. Kahet pa sabihing dapat ineenjoy ko ung pagiging single, iba pa rin talaga eh. Yes, I'm enjoying and I would rather be single as of the moment. It's just really different. You will say na di lang talaga ako sanay. Yeah, I know that.

And up to now, I still feel lonely. There are a lot of things that I regret. Sana di na lang ako naging asshole para di niya ko iniwan. Sana may nagawa ako para di mangyari un. Sana napigilan ko. Pero either way, I know that it was bound too happen. It's too bad that I wasn't able to do anything about it.

What is wrong with me?gahd. This shouldn't be happening. But, I guess I really have to face this. I can't move on if there are still issues like this. Life is just freaking complicated.

Labels: LIFE, LOST

Before anything else, I would like to greet all of you a happy new year! :) I've been waiting for this day to come. Can you smell my excitement for this year?You just can't see it, but I'm jumping up and down right now. :P kidding. :)

I've been surfing the net a lot these days, because I'd rather surf than do my plates. Yes, I know I'm very lazy as of the moment. But I did some of them earlier this week. I'm just really not in the mood to do anything school-related.

Last night, before going to sleep, I did my tradition. I wrote my predictions for this year. I was actually able to come up with 18 predictions. I thought I wouldn't be able to do so. Anyway, there's this part there where I wrote that this year I would be true to myself and to others. That's why I'm doing this.

I told myself that I would be having a lot of 'me' time this vacation, and I did. It was fun. I was also able to bond with my family and other close relatives. It felt good to be able to have time for my family and for myself. Yes, I was happy. I am happy. I was able to do a lot, spend a lot, shop a lot, eat a lot, sleep a lot, get drunk a lot..and so on. But at the end of every single day..

It's still you that I'm thinking of. It's still you that I dream about every night that it makes me want to stay awake because I don't want to dream of you. It's still your text messages that I want to read every time my phone vibrates. It's still you who holds this heart.

And I hate to say it aloud. I don't want my friends to know about this. I don't want them to think that I'm still that same girl because I'm not. I'm not the same person. I can never be that person I was with you. I'm alone. And sometimes it sucks. No matter how happy it makes me feel to be able to do a lot of things that I don't do before, sometimes I miss having someone. I miss having you.

I've read somewhere that sometimes we have to be alone for us to know what we really want in life. Maybe I'm just really not used to it yet. They say that happiness comes from within. And yes, I found that happiness within me and believe me, it feels good. I don't want to rush. I know that I still have a lot of things to know about myself. And I'm willing to make time for that. That's why I'm thankful for this year, because I'm given the chance to live my life the way I want to. The best part about every year is that we get to have a lot of chances again. And this time, I won't let them pass me by.

I'm just so confused. I don't know what I want. I can't even cry to let this out. And it scares me a lot. That is one thing, though. I'm scared. This is one thing I am sure of. Maybe I'm really messed up. I really can't explain. I want to be strong for myself so that I wouldn't be falling apart like this anymore. I'm so unstable right now.

Labels: HEARTBREAK

EURA YUSTE is a seventeen-year old girl who loves ART and MUSIC. She thinks that blogging si not just a theraphy, it's her way of life. She values her family and friends more than herself. She is currently living in one of the hottest places in the world. But, loves MANILA to bits. Writing and fashion are her ways of expression. She hopes that her passion for PHOTOGRAPHY and EVENTS MANAGEMENT will help her pay the bills someday. Wanna knowmore?

Everyone has told me, including my mom, to stop looking back and just let it go. Let her go. Have I stayed away long enough not to get hurt again? Just when I thought I have, I haven't. There's still a little part of me that doesn't want to do that no matter how many times they have been telling me to let go..even for a while. I just can't. Not now. Not when I have to leave in a few months, without knowing when I'll be back here again.

I can't leave things here like that. I have to know that it's okay. That I'm okay. That We're okay. That we can be friends again. I have, well, I want to know that she still cares for me. AS FRIENDS. No more, no less, because I still do. I care for her. I owe her a lot. She has to know that I'm thankful for everything that happened. If it weren't for that, I wouldn't know what I'm really missing, what I truly need.

I'm not saying that I have moved on already. I've accepted the fact that things can't go back to the way they were. If I were to choose, I would choose the present because I'm happy, wait scratch that, I'm fulfilled. But, I think I would be happier if everything's okay. Or at least, on the way to being okay.

I can't ler her go not because I still love her that way, or I'm still hoping that we can be together again, but because I don't want to lose a friend. I want us to be friends, because we started out that way. The past 2 years that we were together, we were also able to develop that friendship, somehow. We were like, more than bestfriends but less than lovers, even though we're really together.

As much as I'm happy now, at the end of every day, I can't help but wish that she's one of those people that I've spent that day with, may it be good or bad. I miss her. I miss her company. I miss hanging out. I miss our tandem. She's one of the people who have made a difference in my life. I hope she knows that.

So tell me, how will I let go? I feel like a soul with an unfinished business. I hope that I'll be able to figure this out before time runs out.

Labels: LOST

Labels: ADVENTURES, HAPPINESS, RANDOM

I was blog-hopping a while ago, just before I wrote this entry. I read a couple of blogs whose owners are of my age. They were talking about how their days went, how they spent their weekends, who they hung out with, what they did and the like. You know, the happy life? And then, I look at my own blog and read my entries. And I realized that I don't always talk about those kinds of things here. It made me wonder why.

Sure, those kinds of things make me happy. Hanging out with my friends, bonding with the family, conversations over coffee, shopping, listening to music and all those other things we do for fun. I enjoy them a lot. But if I really do, then why do I not write about it?

If you read my entries, all that you can read are my realizations, principles, lessons learned, maybe even regrets. And you'll probably know who I am, just by reading them. In my world, words like mistakes, regrets, realizations, change are a little too overused. I can't help it. It's who I've become. I'm taking life more seriously now. I owe myself that. I've been living my life by going with the current. It's time I live it the way I want it. And this is how I want to live it.

I think the reason why I don't write about what others write about is because I want to be different because I am. I beg to differ. Yes, we go through the same kinds of things, not totally the same but similar. And if I'm going to write about the same thing, then I would probabaly be lying because it's not what I want to write about.

So, why do I write, you ask? I write because I love writing. It's a break from the artsy fartsy world. You may find it ironic that a person who loves drawing, loves writing too.

I write because I want to prove something, something that I don't know yet. Maybe I do. Maybe I'm proving it to you already.

I write because I want to tell you how I feel. I want to express myself through writing like how I express myself through my art.

I write because I want to make a difference. I want my articles to matter to someone. I want others to learn from what I write. I want others to learn from my mistakes and my experiences. I want you to learn from my story. I want others to find hope in my life.

I write because I want you to know who I am. I want all of you to know that there is so much more to that girl who smiles as if nothing happened, though you all know that she's just keeping it all inside. There's more to me. There's more to my life. And I want to be known for who I've become, who I am now.

This is my silver lining. It's not partying, shopping, hanging around and a lot of other things. They do mean a lot to me. But this means a whole lot more. And to know that I've made a difference in the lives of the people I love is beyond what I wished for. It's when I will know that I've gained more than what I gave. And for me, that's what matters the most in this world.

Labels: LESSONS, LIFE

I really don't have anything to say or write right now, but I just feel like it. This is one of those times when I just want to stop and take a look at how I've been living my life for the past weeks.

Well, to be honest, I was a mess this week. I would say that I was pretty much in a bad shape, physically and emotionally. It's one helluva week mostly because of the plates due this week. There are only a few actually. But, god, they're so difficult to do. I'm just so tired. And Im kindov glad that I made it alive. I thought I was going to drop dead any moment. :)) It came to a point where I had to cut class just to go home and get some sleep. Beat that. :P I actually did that, err, thrice this week?

I was thinking a while ago that maybe I'm overthinking already. Okay. Seems ironic huh? I mean about everything that's happening, I feel like I'm thinking about them too much? wait.scratch that. Thinking and then talking about them so much. I sound like a broken record already.

And I'm worried that maybe the people around me are getting tired of listening to what I have to say. But, to be honest, I haven't been talking about it as often as I do before. And that actually made me smile. :)

Some people notice that too. I think I've learned to keep some things to myself. And that's good, I think.

Oh look. Time flies so fast. I can't believe that it's nearly 11pm. I have to hit the sack now. I've got a wedding tomorrow. It's my cousin's and I'm one of the bridesmaids. If I don't sleep now I would probably look more like a panda than a bridesmaid. =))

Goodnight humans. :) yes. I know this is random, but wth. :P

Labels: LIFE, RANDOM

"How many moments in life can you point to and say, 'that's when it all changed.' "

-Brooke Davis; One Tree Hill


If you know me, really know me, you'll probably know that I am a One Tree Hill Series Addict. Well, if you don't, then now you know. :)

There are a lot of moments in my life when I say that I've changed. If you read my past posts you'll know what I mean. Anyway, everytime I acknowledge the change, I feel this certain kind of fulfillment or happiness or whatever you call it, but not the kind that lasts long. I still feel like there's still something there that I have to know, something that would finally give me THAT fulfillment.

I tried to let it all out. I thought that maybe there's still something about the past that I have to accept. Though that is still true and I'm on the process as of the moment, there's no need to rush. I kept on wanting something but I don't know what that something is, or who. I even considered the fact that maybe I really can't live without a partner. Being single is fabulous and it gives me that kind of happiness that no one else can, the kind that comes from within. But then, when I think about it, I like being alone from time to time. I don't have a problem with that. And it's something that I haven't done for a long time now, which only makes it more exciting. I'm into trying new things lately, that's why.

So, I just let things be before I get myself into something that I would regret. And then I had this feeling that I'm not satisfied with what I'm pursuing. That there's more to my life than that. And I got scared because I've been holding on to this dream since I was a kid, and it would be disappointing and heartbreaking to let go of it now that I'm here.

It's hard for me to let go of that, because I've spent the last 7 years of my life waiting for it to happen. And when it did, I didn't feel the same anymore. It didn't feel like I've been wanting it for the past years. And I guess that I pursued it because I wanted to be with that person. It was like I was reaching for my dreams for her. It's such a shame for it to happen, but it did.

And then I told myself that it's still important to me, that if I can't be good at it, I'd rather not destroy it. I was desperately trying to find my purpose in pursuing that dream. And even up to now, I know that I still want to pursue it. I'm just not strong enough to do that, not yet. Maybe I would still be able to but not in ways that I have imagined it. I want it to happen because it was meant to be, but that doesn't mean that I won't work hard for it. I've already worked hard, why stop now?

I never thought that it will come to this point, that I would have to let go of the place where I imagined it to happen. And just now, I realized that I never wanted to let go of that dream, just the place where I want it to happen.

That's why I'm leaving.

I realized that I have to find myself again with the people that loves me the most, my family. And I can't do it here because my parents aren't with me. So, I'm moving in with them. I realized that I don't really need someone to love me back, to appreciate me, to know my worth and love me for who I am. I just need my parents to finally, and truly see who I really am, and still love me for me. I've finally figured out that that's what I've been longing for all this time.

Sure, it's great to love and be loved by that person you love. It's one of the most wonderful things in the world that science can never define. But, nothing beats love from your family. Romantic love relationships can never fill the love you need from them. And maybe that's why I can never be complete, because even though I was in a relationship at that time, I still needed more because I don't feel that from my family.

I never really knew or feel how it's like to have a family. A real one. I grew up with my extended family. I live with them up to now. And I love them for taking care of us and taking over the responsiblity of our parents in their absence. But even though, they can never satisfy my need to have my parents by my side, especially when I was growing up.

As much as I understand why they had to leave, that part of me still remains empty. That's why I've decided that I will live with them again. It's time that we give ourselves time to be with each other. I, for myself, miss being a daughter. And I know that my mom and dad miss being parents too. Plus, I don't want my younger siblings to go through what I am going through right now without our parents.

I know that I am doing the right thing. And there's nothing you can do or say to make me change my decision. I just hope some people would understand that this is not about going to an international university or studying abroad. It's more than that. And please, stop thinking that I'm throwing my education or my life, for that matter, away. I just want to be with my parents. I want my family. It's not like I'm getting myself pregnant or something. If you only knew how much I've been wanting to do this for so long, but I didn't took my chance, because I haven't realized that this is what I need. Just let me be happy. Let US be happy.

"Sometimes we aren't even wishing for that thing we really need."
-Sulamina Mum; The Wedding Planner's Daughter

And I believe that. I wished for love. I wished for someone to be with me. I was afraid to be alone then. And all I ever wanted at that time was to have somebody that I could cry to every night, someone who would take my tears away. I wished for someone to love me for who I am and never question what I have become and who I was. What I didn't realize is, I'm wishing for something that I already have. And, I guess you could say that I'm lucky because I have two. I have my mom and dad. :)

Labels: LIFE, LOVE, STARTING OVER

I went out with tin and dinne a while ago. It was unexpected, actually. I had my nails done while Tin was getting her hair cut. :) I was supposed to have mine cut too, but then I got cold feet. :P Bukas na lang. :) Joyride bonding tomorrow!inuman time. :P gosh. I missed all of them so much! :) Tapos may pasok na ulet sa monday.I'm excited. Kahet wala pa kong homework sa math. :P ADTHREE, pakopya na lang! :P


I've been having weird dreams lately. Actually, since the start of the break. To give you an idea, I dreamt about the same person for one whole week and the same thing happened. It's not really the same thing but, the plot was the same. Though some were done differently, it still boils down to one thing. I know that I've been having other dreams aside from that, but it's the only one I can remember. weird. It makes me scared to go to sleep. :/


I'm thinking of getting a haircut again, but I'm still not sure about that. I really want to, though.
I want to cut my hair shorter than the usual. Like this:

That's Xian Mikol from The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency. I really like her. :) My sister said that I'd look better if my hair was like that. :)

I read my horoscope today. I'm not really a fan of horoscopes but I gave it a try. I want to know what the stars have in store for me. Nakakatawa lang na sobrang sakto nung mga readings. :/ Nagpaparinig ata. :))

Wah.Gusto ko na talagang pumasok. I wanna be busy. Tyaka nakakabato na dito sa bahay. Iba pa rin talaga pag sa school.

I've been thinking. Maybe, I really am a person who loves drama. I mean I know I worry too much, I'm paranoid and all that. I'm a kind of person who loves to make problems for myself. Super hilig kong mamroblema. Ung mga di dapat pinoproblema, minsan pinoproblema ko pa rin. gosh, I'm giving myself an early death. I guess I'm just full of anger right now. I mean, un ung nararamdaman ko as of the moment. Gosh. I really do love the drama. See?I'm a drama queen. haha!okay. im not crazy. or maybe i am. err.i hate this. :/

I don't know what I want. But, I know that I need someone to talk to. Someone who would really listen. Yeah, I have my friends. Pero minsan, i feel like rindi na rin sila sakin. So, I don't bother them that much anymore. Plus, whatever this is that I am facing right now, I want to get through this on my own. Sides, I don't want my friends to worry about me. I guess, gusto ko ding iprove sa kanila at sa sarili ko na nag-mature na talaga ako by dealing with my problems on my own.

I know they would offer help and all. Pero ewan ko. I just don't feel like sharing right now. Honestly, I really don't feel okay right now. and I don't know why. Problems or issues are just coming in out of nowhere all at the same time and that sucks. I want to get a stronger grip of my life. I feel like it's slipping away. I hate it when I'm thinking too much. But what will I do? I really can't help it. Tyaka anu pa ba ang pwede kong isipin diba? I try to think about other things like plates,family,summer and friends. Pero may kanya-kanya ding issue dun eh. *sigh

I guess it's one thing that I miss about having a special someone. I miss thinking about a person that makes me happy. It's not just a distraction from everything that's bothering me, it gives me that comfort. Yung tipong iisipin ko lang ung taong un, mawawala na lahat o mapapangiti na lang ako. Ngayon kase, wala namang taong ganun para sa kin. Sure, I like somebody. But, it's different. I don't feel that comfort when I think about him.

I know I can live without having someone who makes me feel that way. Pero, hindi ako bato. Kahet pa sabihing dapat ineenjoy ko ung pagiging single, iba pa rin talaga eh. Yes, I'm enjoying and I would rather be single as of the moment. It's just really different. You will say na di lang talaga ako sanay. Yeah, I know that.

And up to now, I still feel lonely. There are a lot of things that I regret. Sana di na lang ako naging asshole para di niya ko iniwan. Sana may nagawa ako para di mangyari un. Sana napigilan ko. Pero either way, I know that it was bound too happen. It's too bad that I wasn't able to do anything about it.

What is wrong with me?gahd. This shouldn't be happening. But, I guess I really have to face this. I can't move on if there are still issues like this. Life is just freaking complicated.

Labels: LIFE, LOST

Before anything else, I would like to greet all of you a happy new year! :) I've been waiting for this day to come. Can you smell my excitement for this year?You just can't see it, but I'm jumping up and down right now. :P kidding. :)

I've been surfing the net a lot these days, because I'd rather surf than do my plates. Yes, I know I'm very lazy as of the moment. But I did some of them earlier this week. I'm just really not in the mood to do anything school-related.

Last night, before going to sleep, I did my tradition. I wrote my predictions for this year. I was actually able to come up with 18 predictions. I thought I wouldn't be able to do so. Anyway, there's this part there where I wrote that this year I would be true to myself and to others. That's why I'm doing this.

I told myself that I would be having a lot of 'me' time this vacation, and I did. It was fun. I was also able to bond with my family and other close relatives. It felt good to be able to have time for my family and for myself. Yes, I was happy. I am happy. I was able to do a lot, spend a lot, shop a lot, eat a lot, sleep a lot, get drunk a lot..and so on. But at the end of every single day..

It's still you that I'm thinking of. It's still you that I dream about every night that it makes me want to stay awake because I don't want to dream of you. It's still your text messages that I want to read every time my phone vibrates. It's still you who holds this heart.

And I hate to say it aloud. I don't want my friends to know about this. I don't want them to think that I'm still that same girl because I'm not. I'm not the same person. I can never be that person I was with you. I'm alone. And sometimes it sucks. No matter how happy it makes me feel to be able to do a lot of things that I don't do before, sometimes I miss having someone. I miss having you.

I've read somewhere that sometimes we have to be alone for us to know what we really want in life. Maybe I'm just really not used to it yet. They say that happiness comes from within. And yes, I found that happiness within me and believe me, it feels good. I don't want to rush. I know that I still have a lot of things to know about myself. And I'm willing to make time for that. That's why I'm thankful for this year, because I'm given the chance to live my life the way I want to. The best part about every year is that we get to have a lot of chances again. And this time, I won't let them pass me by.

I'm just so confused. I don't know what I want. I can't even cry to let this out. And it scares me a lot. That is one thing, though. I'm scared. This is one thing I am sure of. Maybe I'm really messed up. I really can't explain. I want to be strong for myself so that I wouldn't be falling apart like this anymore. I'm so unstable right now.

Labels: HEARTBREAK