awakening

Sunday, April 12, 2009 4:48 PM

I am expecting this week to be more busy for me. My mom's coming home next week. And that means that I only have a couple of days left here in the Philippines. I can't believe it. I'm excited but sad, anxious, and scared all at the same time.

Of course. It would be selfish of me if I won't feel sad about this whole thing. Though, it was my decision in the first place. No one forced me to do this. I, too, was surprised with my own decision. I never thought that it would cross my mind. But, it did. And even up to now, I am in awe.

I never could explain why I made it. I could, but not in the way that people will understand immediately. I tried, but it wasn't as strong as to how I explained it to my closest friends. And everytime, someone would ask, I would simply say that it's because of my family. I never told them the other reason, because I think that it would be more understandable. And of course, it's easier than any other explanation.

There was a part of me that didn't want to make a big production out of my departure. I simply wanted to leave without saying goodbye. But then again, that would be so selfish. And besides, I can not deny the fact that I would miss everyone. I mean it, everyone. That's what the party is for. To say goodbye.

It's the least I could do, for myself and for those who care about me. I guess I owe them that, maybe even more. And I owe myself as well. Even though, I suck at goodbyes, I would still try my best to do that. Obviously, I don't have a clue on how to. I've been thinking about what words to say and I'm coming up with nothing.

How could you say goodbye to the people you love? How do you leave?

You can't simply board a plane and then tell everyone that you're a thousand miles away, and you don't know if and when you are coming back. That would be the most cruel thing ever.

I'm not that kind of person. I also hate it when people just leave without even explaining or saying goodbye. Hate would be an understatement, but I can't think of another word.

I just don't know what to say, and that is making me really frustrated. I have exactly two weeks to do everything, so I better think fast. But, there's this part of me that wants to just leave it to the exact moment. Maybe it's better if it's an extemporaneous speech rather than a prepared one.

Anyway, I've been having party jitters. I have twelve days left and up until now, there are only about 15 people who have confirmed that they are coming to the party. All in all, plus my relatives, that would be 32 guests. I invited, to be exact, 56 people. It's driving me mad. I want everyone to be there. I can only hope and pray that everything would be okay. I hate feeling anxious.

I've been waiting for this since the day I've decided that this was for the best. And even if it's not, I'm still glad I did.

And you told me that I can let go of the pain, and I am..I will.
..I'm leaving it.

Labels: FAMILY, FEELINGS, FRIENDS, LIFE, SUMMER

Saturday, March 7, 2009 7:49 AM

So, this week marks the start of our Final Exams. It usually lasts for 3-4 weeks. Gash. Patayan na. :/ Almost all our plates are progressive, which means that we have to do studies and proposals before we can move on to the Final plates. And yes, we have 2 weeks to do that. :/

Aside from that, we have to pass our Thesis in Filipino next week. : Btw, he only gave us a week to do everything [surveying, analysis and interpretation of results..] As for our AdPrac thesis, our group is finished with the reporting. I think it's safe to say that we aced this thesis. :) Mind you, the AVP was made hours before the actual presentation. Yes, I work better when I'm cramming. :P But even though, our prof and classmates enjoyed the presentation and the whole report as well. We just have to pass the demographics and appeals next week and we're free. ;)

Btw, my laptop and our WHOLE computer shop got infected by a virus because of this presentation. :/ All my USB files got deleted. :/ Good thing, I was able to back up files before it was too late. haha.

I am having a really HARD time with Perspective, Anatomy and TDA [Three-Dimensional Art]. I think I need to practice my Anatomy skills. I'm not really good in drawing people. :(

TDA is being an ass, or at least, the teacher is. : It's a good thing that I'm done with the negative and positive relief for the torso. Thanks to Aldrin. :) I just have to fix the broken arms and polish the whole thing and I'm good to go. :D

As for Perspective, I have to cram, I think 5[?] plates that I failed to do because of my absences. I am a very good student. :

Goodluck to me. I'm going to stay away from my laptop for a while. ;) But, I will have a surprise for you when I get back. ;) Anyway, I just want to share this picture of Es and I which was taken last monday:

what was and what will be

This was taken during our lunch break last monday at Reyes Barbeque. :) Es got the number 19 while I got 20. We found it amusing because Es is going to turn 19 next monday. And as for the number 20, which is for me, well, you know the story. :)

Anyway, I have to get going. :P I have a lot of things to do. Till then. :)

"So, leave yourself intact, because I will be coming back."
-Wake Up; Coheed and Cambria

Labels: ADVENTURES, ART, FRIENDS

Monday, February 23, 2009 5:52 PM

I really don't have anything to blog about right now. I guess I really am just so exhausted because of the photoshoot we had yesterday and a while ago. I never knew photoshoots could be this EXHAUSTING. See, even the word 'tired' can't justify how exhausted I am since yesterday. But, it was still fun. I had super fun with my groupmates [Es, JM, Dun and Jam].

I think that it was the first time that I really bonded with my classmates. It was also the first time that I brought my college classmates, aside from Es, here at home. :) Anyway, this shoot is for our AdPrac Finals due next week. :s We have to change/improve a brand name's ad and we chose BENCH CLOTHING. :) This shots are for the miniature billboards and AVP that we will present for the 'defense'. Here you go,

Yes, I know I sucked at this set. :/

JM and me. :)

My brother, cousin and sister for /bench KIDS. :)

This is my favorite set. :)

There you go. I hope that we ace this project. I'm keeping my fingers crossed. ;)

Have you seen the video of 'Thinking of You' by Katy Perry? I know you have. :P Anyway, it's the first time that I ever cried because of a song that I can't really relate to. I cried because I felt Katy's pain while she was singing the song and doing the video. When Es introduced it to me last year, I didn't pay attention to the lyrics. Anyway, yeah, the lyrics really made me cry. Plus, the way Katy sang it in the video.

Btw, Es is gonna kill me for posting the shots from the shoot. Hopefully, she's not visiting my blog. :P

Anyways, I've got school tomorrow. But, I'm skipping class. Hai, what's new? :P We're going to do our last shoot, that's why. Time to hit the sack now. I'm really exhausted.

Goodnight love. :*

Oh, wait. Obviously, the title has nothing to do with the entry, except that, it's a line from 'Thinking of You'. It got me LSS-ed. ;)

Labels: ADVENTURES, FRIENDS, RANDOM

Friday, February 20, 2009 8:52 PM

I'm a self-proclaimed not spontaneous person. And I believe that the people who know me personally know that pretty well. I'm not boring. I don't go by the book either. I break a lot of rules most of the time. I usually don't do things as planned, or sometimes I just don't do them at all. :P

I guess being spontaneous means doing FUN things that are not planned in a not-so perfect time, like when you are supposed to do a month overdue TDA plate. :P Anyway, Es and I had a spontaneous photoshoot in the middle of choosing dresses for the REAL photoshoot for our AdPrac Finals. We were rummaging through my closet, when I found my mom's vintage dress. It belongs to my sister now, because it won't fit me. My mom was a skinny ass back then. :P

So, I asked Es to wear it because I had a strong feeling that it would fit her perfectly. And it did. It looks great on her, as a matter of fact. It was like it was made for her. And then she told me to wear one of my dresses, the gray/silver one I wore only once. And, so I did. I found the ribbon that serves as its belt and decided to put it on, but then, I wasn't feeling it. So, I placed it on my hair. And voila!

This is my favorite shot. I just love my expression here and the makeup too. ;)

Also one of my favorite shots. Her body expression is amazing. :)

Sadly, I am not yet done with editting. My PS sucks. :/ And I know that my editting sucks too, my laptop keeps on hanging while I was doing that. I hate it. :/ Anyway, we still had fun. :)

And, yeah, we finally finished that TDA plate. Hooray for us! :) And hooray for me, because I'm learning to be more spontaneous. :)

Labels: ADVENTURES, FRIENDS, HAPPINESS

Saturday, February 14, 2009 8:10 PM

"Faced with the opportunity to escape, what does a man do?Does he suddenly change his mind at the end of the tunnel, turn back and walk towards the opposite way - back to a place where comfort and gloom are abound?

He thinks of all the luxuries and comforts that he has to leave behind: the money, security, the chance to be popular, the glamour and everything else that is tied up to his current situation.
10 years down the line, he may regret his decision of moving on, as his peers would have probably made it by then. They may be managers by that time, handling people and large amounts of money. And where would he be?

What lies ahead (uncertainty) definitely scares him. Is the escape really necessary? Would it truly alter his life for the better? Or is that route to freedom deceiving him, tempting him to do something that isn’t really meant for him? What if he ends up hating the place where the path leads to?

But he can't stay. The passion just isn’t there. The man wants to take hold of his fate."

I read this in a blog I found in Tabulas. It hit me. Really hit me. I feel the same way. It was like he was writing my own words, that's why I reposted. I just need you to understand. I'm talking to all of you.

Go figure. I'm not mad. I'm just..disappointed. Don't make me hate who I am right now, because I don't and maybe for some time, I won't. I'm listening to you. Why can't you just listen and see right through me?

I understand. You just care, I know you do. But I know myself better than you do. Just let me make my own mistakes, if you think that this is one. I never told you that your decisions were wrong because I respected the fact that you know yourself better than I do and you know what's good for you. And even if, sometimes it's not, I kept my mouth shut, didn't I? Yes, I reacted, but I never told you that you were doing something wrong. Somehow, I still supported you.

I'm just really sick of hearing you accuse me of things that I don't do, those things that you did when you were my age. You think you know me, but you still don't. Well then, prepare to be suprised.

I know that you're just looking out for me. But, please, just let me be. I'm not saying that I don't need your support and understanding. I need it. Why the hell am I writing this, right? This is really frustrating. I won't learn if you keep on telling me what to and not to do. I won't grow up if I won't take risks because you keep on telling me that these are mistakes.

I am different. Hell, you are too. Let me make my own decisions. Let me make my own mistakes. Let me live my life. Live your own. I'm not going to live my life the way you did.

And no matter what you say or do, I can and will never be you. I am what I choose to be. And I choose to be me. I choose to be different. And believe me, it's going to better than who you were.

Labels: FAMILY, FRIENDS, LIFE

Friday, February 13, 2009 3:00 PM

You don’t have to worry about the time left of your stay here. Things don’t have to end with your departure. And you know what? IT’S OKAY. It’s perfectly okay for me to be friends. In fact, just awhile ago, I was thinking about how I used to go to your house and bond with your family…I MISS THAT. I’m not sure if I should say this because at one point, i know a part of you will hurt…but the truth is, i miss YOU. Even though things are different now, i would not deny that we had happy times together. Both as a couple and as friends.

-Honestly, I really don't know what to say. Days before I wrote that entry, I was asking myself if I was ready for us to be friends again. Or at least to start catching up again on each other's lives. Though, it really hadn't been long enough. Things just happened way too fast. At that time, I know that I wasn't THAT ready yet. Maybe I was just also WAITING for you to tell me that it's okay. Don't worry, your words didn't do me any harm. And yeah, I miss you too. Though you probably already know that.haha.

I don’t really let people go…
–unless they have given up on me and there’s nothing more I can do to change it. But I continue to care even just a little.

-Well, knowing me, you know that I don't really give up on people. I guess I really am not that type of person no matter how hard I try. And just so you know, even if I tell you and the whole world that I'm giving up on you, my actions would always show otherwise. So, what's the point, right? And why would I? No matter how much that hurt, You know I can never give up on you. Dont mid me asking, though, would you want me to give up on you?

To answer your question, I CARE ABOUT YOU. It has always been like that. But there was a time that you got consumed by your pain and anger that you failed or refused(???) to acknowledge that fact.
I care about you a lot.
No one could just throw away 2 years of friendship and love…even though that love and friendship has changed.

-I guess it's because I was so mad at that time, I failed to see or feel that you care about me. This one's on me. I'm sorry. Though, you know that you can't blame me for feeling that.
One month means something, what more pa ang two years, right? Sucks that it changed, that we've changed. But hey, it opened new doors for the both of us. You found your happiness, and I guess I found mine. No more room for regrets, it was worth it.

I know I seem uncaring. You told me once, “Wala ka na pakealam kase masaya ka na” or something like that. But then why do I get tense when I see you from afar? Why do I think about you, whether you’re already okay or not? Why do I read your blog? Why do I anticipate bumping into you in school?

-You do?haha.These made me wonder why. Not that I don't want you too, it's just really making me wonder why. because you care? I believe that. But, maybe you can elaborate next time. I really want to know why, you know. And maybe I'm not making sense anymore at this point.Basta, next time.haha.sorry.

Kahit na hindi tayo naguusap, kahit na hindi ako nakakapagpakita ng concern, I CARE. Part ka ng buhay ko eh.

-Hmm..Thank you. Honestly, I don't know what to say.haha.

I’m actually scared to see you. I’m scared because I might hurt you again just by seeing me. I’m scared that I might be so happy and contented in front of you and there you are, suffering silently. BUT I CHOOSE TO STAY AWAY or limit our contact because you asked for the time to heal. You asked for my absence and I understood and respect that.

-You don't have to be, Kaith. I wanted you to be happy and proud of it. I can never be hurt by something I want. I want you to somehow make me feel that I've done the right thing. Do you get what I mean? Anyway, I just don't want you to hide what you're feeling, whether you are happy or not, because I want to know. Ang daya mo nga eh.haha. You get to read my blog and know what's happening in my life, pero ako, un na nga lang ung way para makita ko kung kamusta ka, ipagkakait mo pa.haha. And keep in mind, I'm not that easy to break anymore.

Ikaw lang naman hinihintay ko eh…
…ung kailan ka ready na makipag-usap ulet na walang ilang.

-I guess by replying to your entry, alam mo na kung anong sagot ko dito.

I don’t want to be the first to make a step because things I do unconsciously may hurt you. I don’t want to make the first step because your family might resent me for bringing you more pain….

-No, they won't. Mom doesn't mind. Plus, they can't do anything about it, nangyari na eh. They just have to accept it.

You also told me, “gusto ko yung pag may kailangan ka o hinanap mo ko eh may effort”. I’m actually hesitant to ask for help because…I don’t want you to feel or think that I’m using you. I don’t want it to seem like i’m only asking for your help because I know you won’t refuse me if you can…or na kinausap lang kita kase may kailangan ako.

-Please naman.haha. I'm the one who offered na eh. Or I guess I'm the one who wants that. You know that I'll be leaving in a couple of months, please make this easier for me. I want to be there for my friends as much as I can. And you, being one of them, means that I got your back too. So, don't hesistate. I'm just waiting for you to ask. I'll try my best to help you with whatever.

That is why i’m waiting. Ayokong magkamali nanaman sa mga kilos ko.

-Had I known. Kung alam ko lang talaga, edi sana di na tayo naghintayan. Oh well, maybe it was destined to be this way. Anyway, I guess let's just make up for lost time? That is, if you are willing and if you want to. It's up to you now.

You don’t have to let people go…
…you can let go of the feeling. You can let go of the pain.

-Yeah. I know I can. It's just a matter of time. I wouldn't say that I have already let go of both. Ayokong mangyari na naman ung dati. All I'm saying is, I don't need to say it out loud to know that I have done it. Pag dumating ung panahon na di ko na tinatanong kung nakapag-move on na ba ako o hindi ay ang panahon na talagang nagawa ko na un. Pag di ko na siya iniisip, pag di ko narealize agad. In short, darating na lang bigla. I haven't moved on. I'm still moving on.

But, I guess that I'm ready enough to let you in my life again. Doing this is actually relieving. Thank you for doing this. :)

Labels: FEELINGS, FRIENDS, LIFE