FLY.

Take a bow.

2009-06-02T21:33:00.003+04:00

I thought it would take me long to decide whether I would move or not. I will surely miss it here. I don't know when or if I'm still coming back.
Seven months of both good and bad memories here will forever be in my heart and mind. :)

Like my friends, it was a witness to my life, how I'd grown during those heart-breaking moments I have shared with you through this site. I owe a lot to this blog, because I know that if it were a person, it would most probably be screaming at me the whole time. Thank you blog, for your patience. :) Though I know that you didn't have a choice. ;) I love you.

As for my friends who know about this blog, those people who I have met in the blogoshere, and those of you who share the same passion, I would miss you as well. Moving feels like cutting our connection. But, don't worry, I would still be visiting your blogs and reading your stories. My tagboard is still active. I would still read the messages that you will leave. :)

But, right now, I'm on hiatus. Goodbye. ;)

because

2009-06-02T18:06:00.002+04:00

THIS BLOG IS PISSING ME OFF.SRSLY.

there's something wrong and I can't fix it.

the blogskin is just messed up. well, here in my laptop.

whenever i use the other laptop, it seems fine.

i don't know what's wrong. i hate it.

and if it's still not fixed..

I MIGHT JUST MOVE AGAIN.

I love you, goodbye.

2009-05-28T00:23:00.007+04:00

What would you do, if someone you really love, passed away while you were halfway around the world?

One of my closest titas, passed away today. And up to now, I don't know the exact cause of her death. We were just told that she died because of a terrible sickness. I'm not sure, though I know that it has something to do with her heart. I knew that. Before we left for Abu Dhabi, I remember reading one of her text messages asking for financial help from our family because she was going to undergo surgery for her heart. And then, I remember reading another text message from my other tita(her sister) saying that the operation went well and they were really thankful for the money that we donated.

But now...she's gone. I wasn't even able to bond with her before I left the country. I wasn't able to visit the province before leaving because I was sick. I feel really bad because we're really close when we were young. She was in her teens while I was just learning to walk. She was with me all the time when I was young. She lived with us then.

I think the last time I saw her was also the last time I visited the province which was last year, last summer. I'm just really sad. She's still young. I think she's in her late twenties/early thirties. My mom broke the news while we were in the car, on the way to the grocery to buy food for their anniversary party tomorrow. I can remember the exact conversation:

Mommy: Dadaan pala tayo sa simbahan.

Me, Eunice and Edrick: Baket po?

Mommy: Kase magtitirik tayo ng... kandila.

Me: baket? * I was nervous, waiting for her next words. I knew that there was something wrong.*

Mommy: Wala na...si..Tita Grace niyo.

We all gasped. And then fell silent for the next minutes. I was staring outside the window. I wasn't able to speak. I just can't. I don't want to think that she's..not breathing anymore. I can't even cry.

I guess I'm just devastated. I prayed for her. I know that she's happy now, because she's with God and her mom (my lola's sister). I prayed for her loved-ones as well. It's going to be tough for them, now that she's not around anymore.

I just wish that this didn't happen while I was away. I want to see her for the last time. I want to be there. But as it is, I can't.

*This was supposed to be posted last night, but because of certain circumstances, I wasn't able to. To whoever is reading this, I hope that you can include her and our family in your prayers. Thank you. *

NO MORE ENCORE.

2009-05-19T17:35:00.007+04:00

Around here, however, we don't look backwards for very long. We keep moving forward, opening up new doors, and doing new
things, because we're curious... and curiousity keeps leading us down new
paths.- Walt Disney, from the movie, Meet the Robinsons

I watched the movie last Sunday, because I was curious. Haha. I've been playing its PS2 video game for almost a month now and I love it, even though it's really giving me bad headaches. So, one day, when I wasn't doing anything, I thought of watching the movie. And, it actually made me cry, especially at the last part. The part where the title card with the quote above was shown. I never knew that an animated movie would hit me hard. I was actually expecting its message to be more family-related. Well, I guess it is. But, it touched me in every way.

It made me feel guilty. I don't know why. Maybe because I knew that it was meant for me?But, whatever it is, I'm sure this wasn't a coincidence. After all, everything happens with and for a reason.

Anyway, I actually forgot the reason why I am writing this. All I'm saying is, I guess I'm just tired of this, and I really can't find the reasons why I'm hanging on, so I guess I'm just going to let it go. Why prolong the agony? Besides, I don't want this to ruin my life. Again.

I just really hope that this will be the last time that I'll be dealing with this. Like what Walt Disney said, we don't look backwards for very long. I guess that the whole movie was my cue.
And that actually made me smile. It gave me a spark of hope that maybe it's okay after all, that I'd be okay. Happiness is a choice after all. :) How can I not be happy with my life right now? I have every reason to. For one, I'm with my family. I have friends who still show and make me feel that they care even if we're thousands of miles apart. And that's enough, for now. :)

Let it go.

Let it roll right off your shoulder.

Don't you know?

The hardest part is over.

Let it in,Let your clarity define you.

In the end, we will only just remember how it feels.

-Rob Thomas; Little Wonders

Yes, I will always remember how it feels. Nothing will change the way I remember it.

But, hopefully, it won't break me anymore. :)

Need I say more?

2009-05-15T15:06:00.001+04:00

Well said.

Photo courtesy: Roann Salariosa

Yes and No.

2009-05-14T12:26:00.004+04:00

You know what's the problem with you?

You're selfish. You value your feelings too much.

You know that you can just let it go, at least for a while.

You didn't go all the way here to still mope about what happened.

Why can't you just give it up?

It was you who said that it's not worth fighting for anyway, why fight for it now?

I know that it's hard to forget, but you don't always have to remember. Let go.

05.14.2009 12:37am

I found this in the drafts folder of my phone. Yes, that was me talking to myself.

I had to do this. The pain on the faces of those around me whenever they see me cringe at random thoughts that remind me of her--or them, cut me more than my own.

And I just can't let it be that way.

Everlasting.

2009-05-12T14:17:00.003+04:00

Lavender only means one thing, waiting.

4344 miles.

2009-05-03T22:56:00.005+04:00

That's how far apart we are.

It's been a week since I moved here, and so far, things are doing good. I think that explains my 2 week or so absence from my blog. The last two weeks of my stay in the Philippines was dedicated to my despedida party planning and bonding with my family and some of my friends. I was out almost everyday going to UST, St. Paul and Don Bosco to apply for documents needed for our transfer. If I'm not waiting in line at the registrar's office, you could find me in various dressing rooms looking for the perfect dress to wear to my party.

Whew. Those weeks were both hectic and memorable. I was only able to pack my things hours before our flight, after Bel and Es went home. I didn't get much sleep that week, but it was all worth it when I saw the faces of my friends and family after they have seen the surprises I have made for them. You see, I really don't know how I would say goodbye. But, I think the way things went, I was able to do so.

I'm gonna miss everyone. I am missing everyone. I never said that it would be easy. Believe me, I know. But, it doesn't mean that I am going back. Not yet.

Someonce told me to find my destiny, and I am going to find it, wherever it may be.

P.S As you can see, I'm not in the mood to blog. The heat is sucking my creativity. But, I would post something more sensible than this. Soon, I hope.

GUESS WHO'S BACK.

2009-04-14T21:36:00.003+04:00

http://plurk.com/iammyowwnmuse/invite

Oh, Plurk. I've missed you. :)

Add me! :) You can also find my widget on

my tagboard page. :)

countdown

2009-04-12T16:48:00.008+04:00

I am expecting this week to be more busy for me. My mom's coming home next week. And that means that I only have a couple of days left here in the Philippines. I can't believe it. I'm excited but sad, anxious, and scared all at the same time.

Of course. It would be selfish of me if I won't feel sad about this whole thing. Though, it was my decision in the first place. No one forced me to do this. I, too, was surprised with my own decision. I never thought that it would cross my mind. But, it did. And even up to now, I am in awe.

I never could explain why I made it. I could, but not in the way that people will understand immediately. I tried, but it wasn't as strong as to how I explained it to my closest friends. And everytime, someone would ask, I would simply say that it's because of my family. I never told them the other reason, because I think that it would be more understandable. And of course, it's easier than any other explanation.

There was a part of me that didn't want to make a big production out of my departure. I simply wanted to leave without saying goodbye. But then again, that would be so selfish. And besides, I can not deny the fact that I would miss everyone. I mean it, everyone. That's what the party is for. To say goodbye.

It's the least I could do, for myself and for those who care about me. I guess I owe them that, maybe even more. And I owe myself as well. Even though, I suck at goodbyes, I would still try my best to do that. Obviously, I don't have a clue on how to. I've been thinking about what words to say and I'm coming up with nothing.

How could you say goodbye to the people you love? How do you leave?

You can't simply board a plane and then tell everyone that you're a thousand miles away, and you don't know if and when you are coming back. That would be the most cruel thing ever.

I'm not that kind of person. I also hate it when people just leave without even explaining or saying goodbye. Hate would be an understatement, but I can't think of another word.

I just don't know what to say, and that is making me really frustrated. I have exactly two weeks to do everything, so I better think fast. But, there's this part of me that wants to just leave it to the exact moment. Maybe it's better if it's an extemporaneous speech rather than a prepared one.

Anyway, I've been having party jitters. I have twelve days left and up until now, there are only about 15 people who have confirmed that they are coming to the party. All in all, plus my relatives, that would be 32 guests. I invited, to be exact, 56 people. It's driving me mad. I want everyone to be there. I can only hope and pray that everything would be okay. I hate feeling anxious.

I've been waiting for this since the day I've decided that this was for the best. And even if it's not, I'm still glad I did.

And you told me that I can let go of the pain, and I am..I will.
..I'm leaving it.

Conclusion

2009-04-07T21:05:00.005+04:00

I grabbed this from xstuckintraffic. I was bored and this looks like fun, so I went for it. Haha. God bless my soul, and yours too. :) I can't believe that it took me an hour to answer all 12 questions. :)) Anyway,

1. Answer each of the questions below using Flickr Search.
2. Choose a photo from the first three pages.
3. Copy the URL of your favorite photo into this site: http://bighugelabs.com/flickr/mosaic.php.
4. Then share with the world.

Questions:

1. First Name
2. Favorite Food
3. Hometown
4. Favorite Color
5. Celebrity Crush
6. Favorite Drink
7. Dream Vacation
8. Favorite Dessert
9. What I Want To Be When I Grow Up
10. What I Love Most In The World
11. One Word That Describes Me
12. My LiveJournal Name

1. Eura 2. Cheesecake 3. Manila 4. Dark Blue 5. Chace Crawford 6. Starbucks Java Chip 7. Get my skin tanned in Corniche, Abu Dhabi 8. Cupcakes 9. Nina Garcia 10. Music 11. Free Spirit 12. Yes, I do have a LiveJournal Account. But, it's a private one, so I'm not going to post it here. :)

Hypothesis

2009-04-06T17:31:00.005+04:00

I miss it here. I haven't written anything since the last one, simply because there's nothing new. I guess I'm just enjoying the summer. I don't have the time to think about other things. Plus, debut/despedida party planning is sucking my time. Hah. Yeah, right. *sarcasm

But, I know I will write soon enough. I've been meaning to write something worth reading. I guess, I failed.

Aside from the lack of time, I'm not yet in the mood to write. My own thoughts are overwhelming me. I don't know what to write first.

Poor brain.

translate: I wanna go home.

BREATHING

2009-03-31T11:55:00.003+04:00

This is what I have been up to for the last 5 months.

Taking breaths to live. But not really, living to take breaths.

Get it?

But, let's be thankful. At least, it kept me alive.

I think I'll get an award for breathing.

I'm already an expert, you know.

Let's see how long I would be an expert at this.

And let's see who will be brave enough to take it away.

BORING

2009-03-30T17:53:00.002+04:00

Yes, my love, summer, is actually boring me right now. To bits. To tantrums. To death. :/
I.am.actually.missing.school. Grr.I hate to say it out loud. I miss my school. What I don't miss is going to class. There's a big difference, you know. :P

Anyway, I'm pretty much bored with life these days. Though, I know that I have a lot of things to do, that I should be, in fact doing now, or else I wouldn't be able to leave. I'm just so lazy right now. I so hate myself.

Eh kase naman po, anong oras ka na gumising, tas tamad ka pa humingi ng pera, pano ka makakaalis?tas magrereklamo kang bored ka na. ewan ko sayo.

Okay, fine. My fault. I know.

Me choice ka naman. Ewan ko ba sayo. Ang tagal mo ng hinihintay na makauwi dahil me mga gusto kang gawin, pero di mo naman ginagawa.

Okay po. Sorry na talaga. :(

Ay nako, Eura Mae. Bahala ka na nga. Wala kang mararating. Malamang, kase hindi ka naman umaalis. At hindi ka naman gumagawa ng paraan para gawin ung mga gusto/kelangan mong gawin.

Pagalitan ba ang sarili sa blog? :)) Okay, I really am losing my mind.

Matagal na no. Bilisan mo na kase. Hindi ka hihintayin ng mundo no. Kala mo naman. Tyaka, diba ikaw ang me ayaw ng naghihintay? Tsk. Para sayo din naman yan.

Oo na, wala na ring saysay tong entry na to. Gusto kong bumalik sa kung paano ako magblog dati. Ung taglish.weh. ewan. Mas feel ko lang un ngayon.

Ang dami mong gusto, wala ka namang ginagawa. Tamaaaad.

Tama na please. :/

Eh kung matulog ka na kaya, para maaga ka magising bukas, para maabutan mo ung tita mo, para makahingi ka ng pera. Hindi mo naman pwedeng hintayin ung padala ng mommy mo, kase sa Friday pa un. At wala ka na talagang oras.

Oo na. Eto na nga eh. Okay, mukha siguro akong baliw sa mga ginagawa ko ngayon. Pero kung ito ba ang paraan, para lang mabalik ako sa dati, eh papatulan ko na. Sorry sa makakabasa. Tumawa ka na lang.

O sige na, baka magsalita pa ulet ung konsensya ko. Goodnight! :)

Song for the day: Rescue-American Hi-Fi

You don't know how I get in the summer.

2009-03-28T12:49:00.002+04:00

This is my most-awaited time of the year, next to my birthday. :P Ahh..Who would not love summer? Seriously, what's not to love? I know all of you are as eager as I am for this season to start. So, today marks the first of my summer, and the first of the last summer that I would be spending here in the Philippines. So, this should be the best summer ever. :)

I finally had the drive to make a new blog layout. haha. :) I was getting tired of the old one, and it didn't give me the motivation to write anymore. So, I changed it. :) The pictures are from my first shoot this summer. ;)

I am seriously running out of things to blog about.haha. :)) This is so randooom, I know. :) But, one thing's for sure, I wouldn't let anything or anyone ruin my summer. I sure will beat the hell out of you. :P

I would spend this time by discovering and reinventing myself. And oh, I would be spending a lot of time with my family too! :) Summer love? Well, we'll see. I'll keep you posted. Hopefully, Blogger's not banned in the UAE. :)

Have a happy summer! :)

bitchin'

2009-03-24T18:59:00.002+04:00

yes, i do. :)

BITCH PLEASE. :))

Reality check.

2009-03-08T13:48:00.001+04:00

Live through this and you won't look back.

Get Your Game Face On.

2009-03-07T07:49:00.005+04:00

So, this week marks the start of our Final Exams. It usually lasts for 3-4 weeks. Gash. Patayan na. :/ Almost all our plates are progressive, which means that we have to do studies and proposals before we can move on to the Final plates. And yes, we have 2 weeks to do that. :/

Aside from that, we have to pass our Thesis in Filipino next week. : Btw, he only gave us a week to do everything [surveying, analysis and interpretation of results..] As for our AdPrac thesis, our group is finished with the reporting. I think it's safe to say that we aced this thesis. :) Mind you, the AVP was made hours before the actual presentation. Yes, I work better when I'm cramming. :P But even though, our prof and classmates enjoyed the presentation and the whole report as well. We just have to pass the demographics and appeals next week and we're free. ;)

Btw, my laptop and our WHOLE computer shop got infected by a virus because of this presentation. :/ All my USB files got deleted. :/ Good thing, I was able to back up files before it was too late. haha.

I am having a really HARD time with Perspective, Anatomy and TDA [Three-Dimensional Art]. I think I need to practice my Anatomy skills. I'm not really good in drawing people. :(

TDA is being an ass, or at least, the teacher is. : It's a good thing that I'm done with the negative and positive relief for the torso. Thanks to Aldrin. :) I just have to fix the broken arms and polish the whole thing and I'm good to go. :D

As for Perspective, I have to cram, I think 5[?] plates that I failed to do because of my absences. I am a very good student. :

Goodluck to me. I'm going to stay away from my laptop for a while. ;) But, I will have a surprise for you when I get back. ;) Anyway, I just want to share this picture of Es and I which was taken last monday:

what was and what will be

This was taken during our lunch break last monday at Reyes Barbeque. :) Es got the number 19 while I got 20. We found it amusing because Es is going to turn 19 next monday. And as for the number 20, which is for me, well, you know the story. :)

Anyway, I have to get going. :P I have a lot of things to do. Till then. :)

"So, leave yourself intact, because I will be coming back."
-Wake Up; Coheed and Cambria

To His, I will submit myself.

2009-03-05T20:29:00.003+04:00

Goodbye, Francis Magalona. :(

You will be missed. You have lived a great life. And you will be remembered forever.

I touched it, I was burned.

2009-03-01T12:05:00.004+04:00

"You said there's tons of fish in the water, so the waters I will test.

He kissed my lips, I taste your mouth.

He pulled me in, I was disgusted with myself."

..perfect. Just perfect. I'm keeping my mouth shut. Some things are better off unsaid. You wouldn't want to hear this anyway.

Lyrics from Thinking of You by Katy Perry.

I'm missing something real.

2009-02-27T16:42:00.005+04:00

I need inspiration.

I need something new.

Change of lifestyle, maybe?

I need something to keep me going. But not something that would keep me going just because I have to.

Life is boring right now. and that sucks. I usually am the person who finds inspiration in the littlest of things. Or I guess I was.

And I said that love itself was enough to keep me alive. Every kind of love but that. I know that it's not what I need right now. It's not yet the right time. Not that I'm scared of falling in love. It's just that there's really no one to begin with in the first place.

I haven't found that someone who would make my heart beat like it did before.

I'm just not looking right now. Period. My love life is currently non-existent. Only the Lord knows when it will be revived again.

And until then, I'm putting this heart to rest.

Song for the day: All the Love in the World- The Corrs

You said move on, where do I go?

2009-02-23T17:52:00.011+04:00

I really don't have anything to blog about right now. I guess I really am just so exhausted because of the photoshoot we had yesterday and a while ago. I never knew photoshoots could be this EXHAUSTING. See, even the word 'tired' can't justify how exhausted I am since yesterday. But, it was still fun. I had super fun with my groupmates [Es, JM, Dun and Jam].

I think that it was the first time that I really bonded with my classmates. It was also the first time that I brought my college classmates, aside from Es, here at home. :) Anyway, this shoot is for our AdPrac Finals due next week. :s We have to change/improve a brand name's ad and we chose BENCH CLOTHING. :) This shots are for the miniature billboards and AVP that we will present for the 'defense'. Here you go,

Yes, I know I sucked at this set. :/

JM and me. :)

My brother, cousin and sister for /bench KIDS. :)

This is my favorite set. :)

There you go. I hope that we ace this project. I'm keeping my fingers crossed. ;)

Have you seen the video of 'Thinking of You' by Katy Perry? I know you have. :P Anyway, it's the first time that I ever cried because of a song that I can't really relate to. I cried because I felt Katy's pain while she was singing the song and doing the video. When Es introduced it to me last year, I didn't pay attention to the lyrics. Anyway, yeah, the lyrics really made me cry. Plus, the way Katy sang it in the video.

Btw, Es is gonna kill me for posting the shots from the shoot. Hopefully, she's not visiting my blog. :P

Anyways, I've got school tomorrow. But, I'm skipping class. Hai, what's new? :P We're going to do our last shoot, that's why. Time to hit the sack now. I'm really exhausted.

Goodnight love. :*

Oh, wait. Obviously, the title has nothing to do with the entry, except that, it's a line from 'Thinking of You'. It got me LSS-ed. ;)

..because I'm learning to be spontaneous ;)

2009-02-20T20:52:00.004+04:00

I'm a self-proclaimed not spontaneous person. And I believe that the people who know me personally know that pretty well. I'm not boring. I don't go by the book either. I break a lot of rules most of the time. I usually don't do things as planned, or sometimes I just don't do them at all. :P

I guess being spontaneous means doing FUN things that are not planned in a not-so perfect time, like when you are supposed to do a month overdue TDA plate. :P Anyway, Es and I had a spontaneous photoshoot in the middle of choosing dresses for the REAL photoshoot for our AdPrac Finals. We were rummaging through my closet, when I found my mom's vintage dress. It belongs to my sister now, because it won't fit me. My mom was a skinny ass back then. :P

So, I asked Es to wear it because I had a strong feeling that it would fit her perfectly. And it did. It looks great on her, as a matter of fact. It was like it was made for her. And then she told me to wear one of my dresses, the gray/silver one I wore only once. And, so I did. I found the ribbon that serves as its belt and decided to put it on, but then, I wasn't feeling it. So, I placed it on my hair. And voila!

This is my favorite shot. I just love my expression here and the makeup too. ;)

Also one of my favorite shots. Her body expression is amazing. :)

Sadly, I am not yet done with editting. My PS sucks. :/ And I know that my editting sucks too, my laptop keeps on hanging while I was doing that. I hate it. :/ Anyway, we still had fun. :)

And, yeah, we finally finished that TDA plate. Hooray for us! :) And hooray for me, because I'm learning to be more spontaneous. :)

Always love. Part II :)

2009-02-19T22:19:00.004+04:00

Some people are asking me if I still believe in love despite everything that happened the past months. Well, yes, I still do. I still believe in its magic--how it can change people for the better or..worse. I still believe that it exists even for people like me--those who have loved and lost. I believe that there is love in everyone, even for those who don't deserve it.

I still believe in love, but in a different way. I used to define love by hugs, kisses, sweet gestures, flowers, chocolates and the like. Yes, they are love but not quite, because they are just ways of showing love, but aren't love itself. Love is such a big word for four letters, therefore, those things cannot really truly define what love is.

They say that for most people, love is defined when they are IN love with someone. I used to be one of those people. Don't get me wrong though. I love the feeling of being in love with someone and being loved back. And even up to now, I'm still in love with love.

But what really is love? Don't look at me. I'm still figuring that one out. ;) I can't exactly define it with words. But, I see it and I can feel it too, everyday. We all know that love exists in everything. But, it's not enough to just know it, you have to see and feel it. It exists in every relationship. It doesn't have to be mutual, but it would be better if it is.

I know that you know what I'm talking about. Of course, you're human. You should feel it, even if it's not with a special someone. If you're young, you have all the time in the world for that. If you're not, well, maybe you didn't notice and you let it pass, or maybe, if you're lucky, it's still out there looking for you, or maybe he/she is just outside your door. All you have to do is open it. ;)

Love exists even in the eyes of your enemy. It is present in the arms of your family, in the hands of your friends and in the heart of the one you love. -EU

It's ironic that we know it exists. We see it and we can feel it. We even know how to show it. We know when it's there and we know when it's gone. And yet, we can't define it. But, maybe it's supposed to be that way. It's the biggest mystery of life, just like God. We can't see Him but we know He's there. And just like love, we can't define Him. We also do things for Him without knowing who He really is.

If God is love, then there's no such thing as lost. Even if you lose the one you love, you'll find a way to get it back somehow, someday. It may not be the same person, but you will, eventually. You just have to open your eyes to reality. I believe that romantic love is just 25% of the love of your life. 25% is/should be from yourself, another 25 from your family and the remaining 25% is from your friends.

I'm not saying I'm right, though. It's just my perspective. My statistics may not be right, but I know that it applies to everyone. Those kinds of love will be experienced by all of us. It may not be all at the same time, but it will happen. A good friend of mine told me that true love happens when you can't ask for more. So, wait for it to happen, because it will and it will be worth the wait. In the meantime, love what you have more than what you don't. :)

As for me, I'm still waiting because I believe that it will come. I still believe in love, and I always will. And right now, even if I don't have someone who would give me the drive to go on everyday, and the inspiration and motivation to do what I have to do, I know that love itself is enough to help me make it through each day. And with the love from my family and friends, I know I can and I will be the person that I was meant to be. :)

Losing is not a bad thing either, because if you do, keep in mind that you lost because there are other, maybe even greater things out there to find you. Yes, love can break you, but it is also what can build you again. Just let it be. Love will find its way. It always do. :)

Always love. Part I :)

2009-02-19T20:22:00.014+04:00

I wasn't able to write my Hearts' Day post because I didn't feel like it. I told myself that I wouldn't write one just for the sake of writing, I want to write it when my heart feels like it. It didn't matter if it wasn't that day, anyway, it was just like any other day for me. Though if you wanna know how I spent my Hearts' Day, well, you'd be surprised. :)

I thought I was going to spend the whole day sulking or feeling bitter/lonely because I was spending it alone, but to my surprise, I didn't. I actually survived it. But, like I said, it was just another day for me. While everyone, couples and singles alike, are busy spending the day doing surprises for the ones they love and pampering themselves, I, on the other hand, spent the day watching One Tree Hill Season 3. :)

I won't consider this day a waste, if you're thinking that I will. I love One Tree Hill. It's one of the reasons why I still believe in love. I could spent a week or even a month just watching it. And it would probably be one of the best months of my life. :P

Anyway, notice that I have two entries with the title, Always love, well, consider them as one. I just split them into two so that it wouldn't be longer. I wouldn't want to bore you so, I separated them. Just read Part II. Okay? :) Sorry for the hassle. :)

Listen.

2009-02-14T20:10:00.000+04:00

"Faced with the opportunity to escape, what does a man do?Does he suddenly change his mind at the end of the tunnel, turn back and walk towards the opposite way - back to a place where comfort and gloom are abound?

He thinks of all the luxuries and comforts that he has to leave behind: the money, security, the chance to be popular, the glamour and everything else that is tied up to his current situation.
10 years down the line, he may regret his decision of moving on, as his peers would have probably made it by then. They may be managers by that time, handling people and large amounts of money. And where would he be?

What lies ahead (uncertainty) definitely scares him. Is the escape really necessary? Would it truly alter his life for the better? Or is that route to freedom deceiving him, tempting him to do something that isn’t really meant for him? What if he ends up hating the place where the path leads to?

But he can't stay. The passion just isn’t there. The man wants to take hold of his fate."

I read this in a blog I found in Tabulas. It hit me. Really hit me. I feel the same way. It was like he was writing my own words, that's why I reposted. I just need you to understand. I'm talking to all of you.

Go figure. I'm not mad. I'm just..disappointed. Don't make me hate who I am right now, because I don't and maybe for some time, I won't. I'm listening to you. Why can't you just listen and see right through me?

I understand. You just care, I know you do. But I know myself better than you do. Just let me make my own mistakes, if you think that this is one. I never told you that your decisions were wrong because I respected the fact that you know yourself better than I do and you know what's good for you. And even if, sometimes it's not, I kept my mouth shut, didn't I? Yes, I reacted, but I never told you that you were doing something wrong. Somehow, I still supported you.

I'm just really sick of hearing you accuse me of things that I don't do, those things that you did when you were my age. You think you know me, but you still don't. Well then, prepare to be suprised.

I know that you're just looking out for me. But, please, just let me be. I'm not saying that I don't need your support and understanding. I need it. Why the hell am I writing this, right? This is really frustrating. I won't learn if you keep on telling me what to and not to do. I won't grow up if I won't take risks because you keep on telling me that these are mistakes.

I am different. Hell, you are too. Let me make my own decisions. Let me make my own mistakes. Let me live my life. Live your own. I'm not going to live my life the way you did.

And no matter what you say or do, I can and will never be you. I am what I choose to be. And I choose to be me. I choose to be different. And believe me, it's going to better than who you were.

Will you, won't you, be the one I'll always know?

2009-02-13T15:00:00.000+04:00

You don’t have to worry about the time left of your stay here. Things don’t have to end with your departure. And you know what? IT’S OKAY. It’s perfectly okay for me to be friends. In fact, just awhile ago, I was thinking about how I used to go to your house and bond with your family…I MISS THAT. I’m not sure if I should say this because at one point, i know a part of you will hurt…but the truth is, i miss YOU. Even though things are different now, i would not deny that we had happy times together. Both as a couple and as friends.

-Honestly, I really don't know what to say. Days before I wrote that entry, I was asking myself if I was ready for us to be friends again. Or at least to start catching up again on each other's lives. Though, it really hadn't been long enough. Things just happened way too fast. At that time, I know that I wasn't THAT ready yet. Maybe I was just also WAITING for you to tell me that it's okay. Don't worry, your words didn't do me any harm. And yeah, I miss you too. Though you probably already know that.haha.

I don’t really let people go…
–unless they have given up on me and there’s nothing more I can do to change it. But I continue to care even just a little.

-Well, knowing me, you know that I don't really give up on people. I guess I really am not that type of person no matter how hard I try. And just so you know, even if I tell you and the whole world that I'm giving up on you, my actions would always show otherwise. So, what's the point, right? And why would I? No matter how much that hurt, You know I can never give up on you. Dont mid me asking, though, would you want me to give up on you?

To answer your question, I CARE ABOUT YOU. It has always been like that. But there was a time that you got consumed by your pain and anger that you failed or refused(???) to acknowledge that fact.
I care about you a lot.
No one could just throw away 2 years of friendship and love…even though that love and friendship has changed.

-I guess it's because I was so mad at that time, I failed to see or feel that you care about me. This one's on me. I'm sorry. Though, you know that you can't blame me for feeling that.
One month means something, what more pa ang two years, right? Sucks that it changed, that we've changed. But hey, it opened new doors for the both of us. You found your happiness, and I guess I found mine. No more room for regrets, it was worth it.

I know I seem uncaring. You told me once, “Wala ka na pakealam kase masaya ka na” or something like that. But then why do I get tense when I see you from afar? Why do I think about you, whether you’re already okay or not? Why do I read your blog? Why do I anticipate bumping into you in school?

-You do?haha.These made me wonder why. Not that I don't want you too, it's just really making me wonder why. because you care? I believe that. But, maybe you can elaborate next time. I really want to know why, you know. And maybe I'm not making sense anymore at this point.Basta, next time.haha.sorry.

Kahit na hindi tayo naguusap, kahit na hindi ako nakakapagpakita ng concern, I CARE. Part ka ng buhay ko eh.

-Hmm..Thank you. Honestly, I don't know what to say.haha.

I’m actually scared to see you. I’m scared because I might hurt you again just by seeing me. I’m scared that I might be so happy and contented in front of you and there you are, suffering silently. BUT I CHOOSE TO STAY AWAY or limit our contact because you asked for the time to heal. You asked for my absence and I understood and respect that.

-You don't have to be, Kaith. I wanted you to be happy and proud of it. I can never be hurt by something I want. I want you to somehow make me feel that I've done the right thing. Do you get what I mean? Anyway, I just don't want you to hide what you're feeling, whether you are happy or not, because I want to know. Ang daya mo nga eh.haha. You get to read my blog and know what's happening in my life, pero ako, un na nga lang ung way para makita ko kung kamusta ka, ipagkakait mo pa.haha. And keep in mind, I'm not that easy to break anymore.

Ikaw lang naman hinihintay ko eh…
…ung kailan ka ready na makipag-usap ulet na walang ilang.

-I guess by replying to your entry, alam mo na kung anong sagot ko dito.

I don’t want to be the first to make a step because things I do unconsciously may hurt you. I don’t want to make the first step because your family might resent me for bringing you more pain….

-No, they won't. Mom doesn't mind. Plus, they can't do anything about it, nangyari na eh. They just have to accept it.

You also told me, “gusto ko yung pag may kailangan ka o hinanap mo ko eh may effort”. I’m actually hesitant to ask for help because…I don’t want you to feel or think that I’m using you. I don’t want it to seem like i’m only asking for your help because I know you won’t refuse me if you can…or na kinausap lang kita kase may kailangan ako.

-Please naman.haha. I'm the one who offered na eh. Or I guess I'm the one who wants that. You know that I'll be leaving in a couple of months, please make this easier for me. I want to be there for my friends as much as I can. And you, being one of them, means that I got your back too. So, don't hesistate. I'm just waiting for you to ask. I'll try my best to help you with whatever.

That is why i’m waiting. Ayokong magkamali nanaman sa mga kilos ko.

-Had I known. Kung alam ko lang talaga, edi sana di na tayo naghintayan. Oh well, maybe it was destined to be this way. Anyway, I guess let's just make up for lost time? That is, if you are willing and if you want to. It's up to you now.

You don’t have to let people go…
…you can let go of the feeling. You can let go of the pain.

-Yeah. I know I can. It's just a matter of time. I wouldn't say that I have already let go of both. Ayokong mangyari na naman ung dati. All I'm saying is, I don't need to say it out loud to know that I have done it. Pag dumating ung panahon na di ko na tinatanong kung nakapag-move on na ba ako o hindi ay ang panahon na talagang nagawa ko na un. Pag di ko na siya iniisip, pag di ko narealize agad. In short, darating na lang bigla. I haven't moved on. I'm still moving on.

But, I guess that I'm ready enough to let you in my life again. Doing this is actually relieving. Thank you for doing this. :)

Friday the thirteenth.

2009-02-12T22:07:00.000+04:00

I can't believe that this day had just started and yet, a lot of mishaps and mayhems have happened to me already. You want me to enumerate? Well, here goes:

1. MY TDA PLATE TO BE PASSED TOMORROW GOT BROKEN. :/ the possitive relief. and btw, that's the last thing that I have to do before i paint. :/ And, this is my second time to repeat it. :/ I so hate plaster. :/And did i say that i have to pass it tomoorow? :/

2. MY TWO FINGERS GOT CUT PRETTY BAD BECAUSE OF THAT TDA PLATE. Hence, they're in bandages now. the bulky ones. :/ how am i supposed to draw? :/ I''m actually typing using my other fingers. Both of my pointing fingers got cut. :/

3. I STILL HAVE TO FINISH MY SISTER'S PROJECT DUE TOMORROW. :/ gahd.

Need I say more? :/ :(

for one more day.

2009-02-12T19:14:00.000+04:00

Ugh.School is getting me down.AS USUAL. :/ it's making me sick. :/ I know that I should be doing my TDA plate right now. Yes, I am. I'm just waiting for the plaster to dry. Anyway, so not the point. :/

Okay. I need a massage.seriously. My back has been aching for a couple of days now. I want to sleep but I still have to do this and my sister's project for the exhibit. UGH. I hate itttt. I really want to rest.

I've been out the whole day. I went to UST just to buy plaster and other stuff for my TDA plate. And then went home to finish the mold. One hour later, I went to Tiendesitas to meet up with Cat, because we're going to St. Paul for the PAASCU Alumni Interview.

I don't want to go to school in the morning. :( But, I can't because I have to for a number of reasons. I have to pass my plate, or else I'm gonna fail. I have to be there because I have to be the one to borrow that opaque projector. And then, I have to attend the LOP meeting at 9am. Plus, If I don't attend class to tomorrow, I would be failing due to absences. :/ Shit.

Can't I survive one day?Just one more day? Since there will be no classes the whole week next week because it's the thesis week of the Seniors.

I badly need a break. Fuck. I wanna stop time. I wanna rest for a while. Shit. This is making me cry. I've never been THIS busy.

BACK IN THE GAME? :)

2009-02-09T17:09:00.000+04:00

OH YES, I AM. :)

Quote for the day:

"I was supposed to take a U turn, but then, I realized that it was a dead end. So, I turned and moved forward." -EU

:)) Nearly had me again. Ooh, feelings can be deceiving. :))

Note to self: You don't have to, okay? Set your self free. :) Be the real EU. :D

Special thanks to ES. You saved my ass again. :P I miss you. :( Please kick GERMAN MEASLES' ASS now. we miss you like HELL. :(

Three months after.

2009-02-06T18:32:00.000+04:00

It was raining.

It has been three months since it rained. No matter how cold the weather was the past three months, it was the first time it rained again. Funny thing was, it was the exact same day.

She smiled as she remembered. Memories of that day passed her by like towns on the highway. She smiled because she remembered. That was the rain she knows she would never forget, but won't always remember. It was cold. The coldest ever. Yet, she still chose to remember, to let it linger even for a while.

She was walking in the rain, with nothing to protect her. She was looking at the place she once called home. She was looking at those people passing her. She smiled as they all ran for cover. Some took out their umbrellas and gave shed to another. They were enjoying the rain, just like her.

And then she realized, she was alone. She used to be one of those lucky people who gets to share this kind of moment with someone. But at that moment, she had no one. No one was there to share her umbrella with her. She shoved that thought away, for she knew that it wouldn't do her any good.

She smiled again, because even though she had no one with her at that moment, she still feels lucky, because for once in her life, she was able to share those kinds of moments with someone. She continued on her journey, ignoring the people passing her by.

Suddenly, there were raindrops on her cheeks. She looked up. But those raindrops weren't coming from the sky. They were coming from her very eyes. She looked down again. She was afraid that someone might see her. See her like that. And that would ruin everything.

No, she's not pretending, nor faking what she really feels. It's just that she knows that she's stronger than she thinks. She is. She's stronger than the rain. She knows she'll get through it. She believes that she will. After all, there's always a sunshine after the rain. This, too, shall pass.

"This is just a part of it.", she told herself. And with that, her smile brightened up her face again.

That's my girl.

I wanted to tell her that. I have seen this girl struggle with the storm for so long. I wanted to save her. But, I know she can do this on her own. All I can do now is watch her from afar, and so I did.

I saw her look back. I saw sadness in her eyes, but she was still able to smile genuinely despite that. I saw hope hover for a moment. I saw her eyes look up, as if thanking Him for the rain, no matter how much it made her cold.

Her lips moved and said, "Thank God for the rain."

And smiled again as she finds her way home.

How?

2009-01-31T18:30:00.000+04:00

Everyone has told me, including my mom, to stop looking back and just let it go. Let her go. Have I stayed away long enough not to get hurt again? Just when I thought I have, I haven't. There's still a little part of me that doesn't want to do that no matter how many times they have been telling me to let go..even for a while. I just can't. Not now. Not when I have to leave in a few months, without knowing when I'll be back here again.

I can't leave things here like that. I have to know that it's okay. That I'm okay. That We're okay. That we can be friends again. I have, well, I want to know that she still cares for me. AS FRIENDS. No more, no less, because I still do. I care for her. I owe her a lot. She has to know that I'm thankful for everything that happened. If it weren't for that, I wouldn't know what I'm really missing, what I truly need.

I'm not saying that I have moved on already. I've accepted the fact that things can't go back to the way they were. If I were to choose, I would choose the present because I'm happy, wait scratch that, I'm fulfilled. But, I think I would be happier if everything's okay. Or at least, on the way to being okay.

I can't ler her go not because I still love her that way, or I'm still hoping that we can be together again, but because I don't want to lose a friend. I want us to be friends, because we started out that way. The past 2 years that we were together, we were also able to develop that friendship, somehow. We were like, more than bestfriends but less than lovers, even though we're really together.

As much as I'm happy now, at the end of every day, I can't help but wish that she's one of those people that I've spent that day with, may it be good or bad. I miss her. I miss her company. I miss hanging out. I miss our tandem. She's one of the people who have made a difference in my life. I hope she knows that.

So tell me, how will I let go? I feel like a soul with an unfinished business. I hope that I'll be able to figure this out before time runs out.

SURPRISE SURPRISE! :)

2009-01-31T18:06:00.000+04:00

MOMMY'S HOME FOR THE WEEKEND! :)

will update next time. :)) i have to spend time with mommy. i missed her BIG TIME. :)

BTW, I'm thinking of writing a book. :-?

I'll post the plot that I have in mind and why I want to write it next time, okay? :)

Anyway, enjoy your weekend, loves. :)

It's the 1st of February tomorrow. I'm excited. :P

But that means, mom will be going back to Abu Dhabi. :(

I don't want her to go. :(

Oh well, I'll see her this summer, hopefully.

I'm crossing my fingers and praying real hard.

Goodnight humans! :)

because i missed you. :)

2009-01-28T17:58:00.000+04:00

I went to SPCP a while ago with CAT and JUDEEEETH to get my transcripts. Though we weren't able to. :P Cat and I sat it on Faye's and Olen's Physics class. We didn't know that we were in for a surprise. It's their Student-Teacher day today! :) So, each teacher picked one student to be his/her for the day. It was fun. =)) Julia was Ms. Tayabas for today. Ms. Tayabas was my Physics teacher. :)

The student-teachers were good, especially Kaita who was Mrs. Caliboso for a day. Btw, Mrs. Caliboso was my adviser during my senior year. We also sat in on her Christian Living class. It was wth 4-7. Clairey and Odes were there. :) I missed them, especially Clairey, my daughter. :)

I saw a lot of people. Gosh. I missed them so much. I missed SPCP so much. :)) Highschool's fun! I miss it a lot. :) Highschool's tough, but College is tougher. :) But wait, I'm smarter. :P weh. :))

All in all, it was an adventure day again. I had a lot of fun. It's good to go back to old times. :) I wish I could go back again on their School fair. :) Let's pray. :) but, I know that I will be back. I have to get my transcripts and my confirmation certificate. ;)

Ooh boy. The next month would be busy for me. February would most probably pass me by so fast, I won't notice that it's March already. =)) Why does the shortest month of the year have the most number of actvities for me? That's so ironic. :)) But, even though, I know it'll be fun inspite of the increasing number of plates and theses to be submitted on that month. :)

Which reminds me that I have to start doing my Typog plate which is due tomorrow. :)) it's cramming time! :P

Oh, btw, I think this entry wins the "Blog entry with the most number of smileys" award. I guess I'm just too happy. over the moon happy. :P haha.

Ciao. :P

the silver lining.

2009-01-25T07:43:00.000+04:00

I was blog-hopping a while ago, just before I wrote this entry. I read a couple of blogs whose owners are of my age. They were talking about how their days went, how they spent their weekends, who they hung out with, what they did and the like. You know, the happy life? And then, I look at my own blog and read my entries. And I realized that I don't always talk about those kinds of things here. It made me wonder why.

Sure, those kinds of things make me happy. Hanging out with my friends, bonding with the family, conversations over coffee, shopping, listening to music and all those other things we do for fun. I enjoy them a lot. But if I really do, then why do I not write about it?

If you read my entries, all that you can read are my realizations, principles, lessons learned, maybe even regrets. And you'll probably know who I am, just by reading them. In my world, words like mistakes, regrets, realizations, change are a little too overused. I can't help it. It's who I've become. I'm taking life more seriously now. I owe myself that. I've been living my life by going with the current. It's time I live it the way I want it. And this is how I want to live it.

I think the reason why I don't write about what others write about is because I want to be different because I am. I beg to differ. Yes, we go through the same kinds of things, not totally the same but similar. And if I'm going to write about the same thing, then I would probabaly be lying because it's not what I want to write about.

So, why do I write, you ask? I write because I love writing. It's a break from the artsy fartsy world. You may find it ironic that a person who loves drawing, loves writing too.

I write because I want to prove something, something that I don't know yet. Maybe I do. Maybe I'm proving it to you already.

I write because I want to tell you how I feel. I want to express myself through writing like how I express myself through my art.

I write because I want to make a difference. I want my articles to matter to someone. I want others to learn from what I write. I want others to learn from my mistakes and my experiences. I want you to learn from my story. I want others to find hope in my life.

I write because I want you to know who I am. I want all of you to know that there is so much more to that girl who smiles as if nothing happened, though you all know that she's just keeping it all inside. There's more to me. There's more to my life. And I want to be known for who I've become, who I am now.

This is my silver lining. It's not partying, shopping, hanging around and a lot of other things. They do mean a lot to me. But this means a whole lot more. And to know that I've made a difference in the lives of the people I love is beyond what I wished for. It's when I will know that I've gained more than what I gave. And for me, that's what matters the most in this world.

more work, less talk.

2009-01-23T18:04:00.000+04:00

I really don't have anything to say or write right now, but I just feel like it. This is one of those times when I just want to stop and take a look at how I've been living my life for the past weeks.

Well, to be honest, I was a mess this week. I would say that I was pretty much in a bad shape, physically and emotionally. It's one helluva week mostly because of the plates due this week. There are only a few actually. But, god, they're so difficult to do. I'm just so tired. And Im kindov glad that I made it alive. I thought I was going to drop dead any moment. :)) It came to a point where I had to cut class just to go home and get some sleep. Beat that. :P I actually did that, err, thrice this week?

I was thinking a while ago that maybe I'm overthinking already. Okay. Seems ironic huh? I mean about everything that's happening, I feel like I'm thinking about them too much? wait.scratch that. Thinking and then talking about them so much. I sound like a broken record already.

And I'm worried that maybe the people around me are getting tired of listening to what I have to say. But, to be honest, I haven't been talking about it as often as I do before. And that actually made me smile. :)

Some people notice that too. I think I've learned to keep some things to myself. And that's good, I think.

Oh look. Time flies so fast. I can't believe that it's nearly 11pm. I have to hit the sack now. I've got a wedding tomorrow. It's my cousin's and I'm one of the bridesmaids. If I don't sleep now I would probably look more like a panda than a bridesmaid. =))

Goodnight humans. :) yes. I know this is random, but wth. :P

That's when it all changed.

2009-01-19T18:21:00.000+04:00

"How many moments in life can you point to and say, 'that's when it all changed.' "

-Brooke Davis; One Tree Hill

If you know me, really know me, you'll probably know that I am a One Tree Hill Series Addict. Well, if you don't, then now you know. :)

There are a lot of moments in my life when I say that I've changed. If you read my past posts you'll know what I mean. Anyway, everytime I acknowledge the change, I feel this certain kind of fulfillment or happiness or whatever you call it, but not the kind that lasts long. I still feel like there's still something there that I have to know, something that would finally give me THAT fulfillment.

I tried to let it all out. I thought that maybe there's still something about the past that I have to accept. Though that is still true and I'm on the process as of the moment, there's no need to rush. I kept on wanting something but I don't know what that something is, or who. I even considered the fact that maybe I really can't live without a partner. Being single is fabulous and it gives me that kind of happiness that no one else can, the kind that comes from within. But then, when I think about it, I like being alone from time to time. I don't have a problem with that. And it's something that I haven't done for a long time now, which only makes it more exciting. I'm into trying new things lately, that's why.

So, I just let things be before I get myself into something that I would regret. And then I had this feeling that I'm not satisfied with what I'm pursuing. That there's more to my life than that. And I got scared because I've been holding on to this dream since I was a kid, and it would be disappointing and heartbreaking to let go of it now that I'm here.

It's hard for me to let go of that, because I've spent the last 7 years of my life waiting for it to happen. And when it did, I didn't feel the same anymore. It didn't feel like I've been wanting it for the past years. And I guess that I pursued it because I wanted to be with that person. It was like I was reaching for my dreams for her. It's such a shame for it to happen, but it did.

And then I told myself that it's still important to me, that if I can't be good at it, I'd rather not destroy it. I was desperately trying to find my purpose in pursuing that dream. And even up to now, I know that I still want to pursue it. I'm just not strong enough to do that, not yet. Maybe I would still be able to but not in ways that I have imagined it. I want it to happen because it was meant to be, but that doesn't mean that I won't work hard for it. I've already worked hard, why stop now?

I never thought that it will come to this point, that I would have to let go of the place where I imagined it to happen. And just now, I realized that I never wanted to let go of that dream, just the place where I want it to happen.

That's why I'm leaving.

I realized that I have to find myself again with the people that loves me the most, my family. And I can't do it here because my parents aren't with me. So, I'm moving in with them. I realized that I don't really need someone to love me back, to appreciate me, to know my worth and love me for who I am. I just need my parents to finally, and truly see who I really am, and still love me for me. I've finally figured out that that's what I've been longing for all this time.

Sure, it's great to love and be loved by that person you love. It's one of the most wonderful things in the world that science can never define. But, nothing beats love from your family. Romantic love relationships can never fill the love you need from them. And maybe that's why I can never be complete, because even though I was in a relationship at that time, I still needed more because I don't feel that from my family.

I never really knew or feel how it's like to have a family. A real one. I grew up with my extended family. I live with them up to now. And I love them for taking care of us and taking over the responsiblity of our parents in their absence. But even though, they can never satisfy my need to have my parents by my side, especially when I was growing up.

As much as I understand why they had to leave, that part of me still remains empty. That's why I've decided that I will live with them again. It's time that we give ourselves time to be with each other. I, for myself, miss being a daughter. And I know that my mom and dad miss being parents too. Plus, I don't want my younger siblings to go through what I am going through right now without our parents.

I know that I am doing the right thing. And there's nothing you can do or say to make me change my decision. I just hope some people would understand that this is not about going to an international university or studying abroad. It's more than that. And please, stop thinking that I'm throwing my education or my life, for that matter, away. I just want to be with my parents. I want my family. It's not like I'm getting myself pregnant or something. If you only knew how much I've been wanting to do this for so long, but I didn't took my chance, because I haven't realized that this is what I need. Just let me be happy. Let US be happy.

"Sometimes we aren't even wishing for that thing we really need."
-Sulamina Mum; The Wedding Planner's Daughter

And I believe that. I wished for love. I wished for someone to be with me. I was afraid to be alone then. And all I ever wanted at that time was to have somebody that I could cry to every night, someone who would take my tears away. I wished for someone to love me for who I am and never question what I have become and who I was. What I didn't realize is, I'm wishing for something that I already have. And, I guess you could say that I'm lucky because I have two. I have my mom and dad. :)

this is not a good way to start the year.

2009-01-02T13:20:00.000+04:00

I went out with tin and dinne a while ago. It was unexpected, actually. I had my nails done while Tin was getting her hair cut. :) I was supposed to have mine cut too, but then I got cold feet. :P Bukas na lang. :) Joyride bonding tomorrow!inuman time. :P gosh. I missed all of them so much! :) Tapos may pasok na ulet sa monday.I'm excited. Kahet wala pa kong homework sa math. :P ADTHREE, pakopya na lang! :P

I've been having weird dreams lately. Actually, since the start of the break. To give you an idea, I dreamt about the same person for one whole week and the same thing happened. It's not really the same thing but, the plot was the same. Though some were done differently, it still boils down to one thing. I know that I've been having other dreams aside from that, but it's the only one I can remember. weird. It makes me scared to go to sleep. :/

I'm thinking of getting a haircut again, but I'm still not sure about that. I really want to, though.
I want to cut my hair shorter than the usual. Like this:

That's Xian Mikol from The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency. I really like her. :) My sister said that I'd look better if my hair was like that. :)

I read my horoscope today. I'm not really a fan of horoscopes but I gave it a try. I want to know what the stars have in store for me. Nakakatawa lang na sobrang sakto nung mga readings. :/ Nagpaparinig ata. :))

Wah.Gusto ko na talagang pumasok. I wanna be busy. Tyaka nakakabato na dito sa bahay. Iba pa rin talaga pag sa school.

I've been thinking. Maybe, I really am a person who loves drama. I mean I know I worry too much, I'm paranoid and all that. I'm a kind of person who loves to make problems for myself. Super hilig kong mamroblema. Ung mga di dapat pinoproblema, minsan pinoproblema ko pa rin. gosh, I'm giving myself an early death. I guess I'm just full of anger right now. I mean, un ung nararamdaman ko as of the moment. Gosh. I really do love the drama. See?I'm a drama queen. haha!okay. im not crazy. or maybe i am. err.i hate this. :/

I don't know what I want. But, I know that I need someone to talk to. Someone who would really listen. Yeah, I have my friends. Pero minsan, i feel like rindi na rin sila sakin. So, I don't bother them that much anymore. Plus, whatever this is that I am facing right now, I want to get through this on my own. Sides, I don't want my friends to worry about me. I guess, gusto ko ding iprove sa kanila at sa sarili ko na nag-mature na talaga ako by dealing with my problems on my own.

I know they would offer help and all. Pero ewan ko. I just don't feel like sharing right now. Honestly, I really don't feel okay right now. and I don't know why. Problems or issues are just coming in out of nowhere all at the same time and that sucks. I want to get a stronger grip of my life. I feel like it's slipping away. I hate it when I'm thinking too much. But what will I do? I really can't help it. Tyaka anu pa ba ang pwede kong isipin diba? I try to think about other things like plates,family,summer and friends. Pero may kanya-kanya ding issue dun eh. *sigh

I guess it's one thing that I miss about having a special someone. I miss thinking about a person that makes me happy. It's not just a distraction from everything that's bothering me, it gives me that comfort. Yung tipong iisipin ko lang ung taong un, mawawala na lahat o mapapangiti na lang ako. Ngayon kase, wala namang taong ganun para sa kin. Sure, I like somebody. But, it's different. I don't feel that comfort when I think about him.

I know I can live without having someone who makes me feel that way. Pero, hindi ako bato. Kahet pa sabihing dapat ineenjoy ko ung pagiging single, iba pa rin talaga eh. Yes, I'm enjoying and I would rather be single as of the moment. It's just really different. You will say na di lang talaga ako sanay. Yeah, I know that.

And up to now, I still feel lonely. There are a lot of things that I regret. Sana di na lang ako naging asshole para di niya ko iniwan. Sana may nagawa ako para di mangyari un. Sana napigilan ko. Pero either way, I know that it was bound too happen. It's too bad that I wasn't able to do anything about it.

What is wrong with me?gahd. This shouldn't be happening. But, I guess I really have to face this. I can't move on if there are still issues like this. Life is just freaking complicated.

i hate this part right here.

2009-01-01T16:17:00.001+04:00

Before anything else, I would like to greet all of you a happy new year! :) I've been waiting for this day to come. Can you smell my excitement for this year?You just can't see it, but I'm jumping up and down right now. :P kidding. :)

I've been surfing the net a lot these days, because I'd rather surf than do my plates. Yes, I know I'm very lazy as of the moment. But I did some of them earlier this week. I'm just really not in the mood to do anything school-related.

Last night, before going to sleep, I did my tradition. I wrote my predictions for this year. I was actually able to come up with 18 predictions. I thought I wouldn't be able to do so. Anyway, there's this part there where I wrote that this year I would be true to myself and to others. That's why I'm doing this.

I told myself that I would be having a lot of 'me' time this vacation, and I did. It was fun. I was also able to bond with my family and other close relatives. It felt good to be able to have time for my family and for myself. Yes, I was happy. I am happy. I was able to do a lot, spend a lot, shop a lot, eat a lot, sleep a lot, get drunk a lot..and so on. But at the end of every single day..

It's still you that I'm thinking of. It's still you that I dream about every night that it makes me want to stay awake because I don't want to dream of you. It's still your text messages that I want to read every time my phone vibrates. It's still you who holds this heart.

And I hate to say it aloud. I don't want my friends to know about this. I don't want them to think that I'm still that same girl because I'm not. I'm not the same person. I can never be that person I was with you. I'm alone. And sometimes it sucks. No matter how happy it makes me feel to be able to do a lot of things that I don't do before, sometimes I miss having someone. I miss having you.

I've read somewhere that sometimes we have to be alone for us to know what we really want in life. Maybe I'm just really not used to it yet. They say that happiness comes from within. And yes, I found that happiness within me and believe me, it feels good. I don't want to rush. I know that I still have a lot of things to know about myself. And I'm willing to make time for that. That's why I'm thankful for this year, because I'm given the chance to live my life the way I want to. The best part about every year is that we get to have a lot of chances again. And this time, I won't let them pass me by.

I'm just so confused. I don't know what I want. I can't even cry to let this out. And it scares me a lot. That is one thing, though. I'm scared. This is one thing I am sure of. Maybe I'm really messed up. I really can't explain. I want to be strong for myself so that I wouldn't be falling apart like this anymore. I'm so unstable right now.

START OF SOMETHING NEW. :)

2008-12-31T17:36:00.000+04:00

So, you wanna know what this is? Well, this paper consists of those things that I want to leave this year. Since, 2008 is nearing its end, I want to be free of these. I know that freeing myself will help me to live 2009 to the fullest. :) I have learned a lot this year and I will be bringing them with me everywhere I go. :) It felt good to be able to burn those. Pakiramdam ko, nawalan ako ng problema. :) There's no room for them in my life anymore. I'm making room for positive things. Kaya binurn ko na ung negative energy sa buhay ko. :)

The fire signals the start of a new year--a new life for me. :)

HELLO 2009!:) HAPPY NEW YEAR LOVES! :)

This year..I lost my way.

2008-12-24T09:59:00.000+04:00

There are a lot of things on my mind right now. And knowing me[if you read my blog], I'm known for writing very long entries. And I'm telling you right now that this is going to be a long one. Read on if you want. I don't care. I just want to write[in this case, type :P] this down for memory's sake. Moving on..

Looking back on the year that is nearing its end, I think about everything that happened. And when I look back, I feel like I'm so far from that person I used to be when I was in high school. I'm so far from that person I used to be a few weeks back. It's funny how people adjust to what's going on in their life without knowing that they are. It's funny how we can lose ourselves to something that we thought will be worth it. But the truth is, there's nothing in this world worthy of losing one's self.

This year, I wasn't able to get a hold of my life. I thought I was, though. I got lost in my own journey, because I let others take the wheel. I thought I was strong enough to let go and just go with the flow. But, I wasn't.

Losing myself is the hardest battle because I have to fight with who I was, who I am and who I want to be. But I kept on fighting. I'll never stop fighting for who I am. But in the end, it all boils down to one, it will always be who I am. Somehow, I know that somewhere deep within me is the person I want to be. And the person that I was will always be remembered.

They said that once we lose ourselves, we have two choices: Find the person we used to be or lose that person completely. I tried the first one. I tried to look for the person I used to be before this all happened. But in the midst of my search, I found nothing. I can't find her anymore. I knew then that she was buried somewhere far away. It cannot be measured by distance but by time. Time took her away.

And with time, I could make things better. I know that I'm not making a mistake here, I'm fixing one. It's time I step out of the person I've been and remember who I am meant to be. It's tragic to lose one's self, and yet I'm still happy I did. I guess they're right. Great things happen from those that scare us the most. It's when you are tested that you find who you truly are and discover who you can be.

This year, I may have lost my way. I got almost everything I wanted and wished for. But in reality, I lost even more. But, I'm willing to go on another journey. I'm going to find my way and gain what I have lost.

In the end, all that matters is you're willingness to drive through life again after all that happened. Keeping in mind the reason for this journey, I know I'll make it through. I will.

RANDOMNESS AT ITS FINEST.

2008-12-22T06:54:00.000+04:00

It's Christmas break! :) I've been waiting for this since the start of the semester. :D I feel so drained. A lot of unexpected events happened the past month. And I'm happy that I was able to go through everything. :) Yes, there were dark days. I made a lot of mistakes. But, one thing's for sure, I'm going to make it right this time. There's no space for regrets in my life. :)

Every year, I make a list of predictions for the upcoming year. I was thinking about my predicitions last night. But, I can't think of any. :( So, I won't be doing it this year. :) It's not because I can't think of anything. It's just that I don't want to pattern how my life would be to those predictions. :) I miss being caught off-guard. I miss the little surprises of life. I miss being spontaneous. I miss being me. I used to be like that.

But, I know that I will be spending time to know myself again. I would be having lots of 'me' time. I MISSED THAT A LOT. :) Speaking of 'me' time, I had a date with myself last Saturday. :) It's fun shopping all by yourself. You should try that. :) I bought new clothes and shoes.haha. :)) I also bought the 2009 Belle De Jour Power Planner as a Christmas gift to myself. :) The next day, we went to tiendesitas. :) I bought gifts for my family and friends. :)

ohwell.:) They say the only thing that you will regret in life are those risks you didn't take. I took the risk. I took my chance. There's no room for regrets. :)

okay.super random entry.haha.sorry friends.:P I'll post something worth-reading next time. :) In the meantime, pagbiyan muna ang kabangag-an ko.:P

I was important in the life of a CHILD.

2008-12-14T13:47:00.000+04:00

We went to the CHILD Foundation a while ago. It's a center for children with cancer. It was fun bonding with the people there. :) Estell, Karla, Janine, Edward, Bel and I arrived late. Ang tagal kase ni Bel eh.=)) Di na nga dapat kame tutuloy ni Estell kase nastuck kame sa Divisoria. Tas bigla nameng nalaman na naghihintay pala sila Edward sa UST. Kaya ayun, nakasama pa kame. :) Ang sarap ng feeling na nakatulong ka.

One of the things that I want to do before Christmas is to visit a Charity Foundation. Natupad na siya.:) I feel so happy because I was able to help the kids in my own way, especially Julius, my alaga. He's a 7-yr old suffering from Lymphoma. Mahirap iapproach si Julius. Di siya mahilig makipaginteract gaya nung ibang bata. Pero nung binigyan ko na siya ng toy, nakipagusap na siya sakin. :) Masungit siyang bata. I wanted to hug him but he doesn't want to. :( Tas nung palabas na kame, bigla niyang hinatak ung kamay ko. I was so touched that I almost cried. It reassured me that I made a difference in his life. Napansin kong habang binibilinan ko siya bago kame umalis, naluluha siya. Feeling ko kahit papaano, natouch din siya sa concern ko. Sana naman. Kase talagang napamahal sakin ung batang un kahit sandali lang kame nagkasama. Pero sabe ko naman, babalik ako dun. Gusto ko talagang bumalik.

It's not everyday that we can go to a foundation and help those who are in need. I'm glad I came and I'm proud to be a part of it. :)

I got the title from the painting in the lobby of the center. I have a picture. Pero tamad akong iupload. =)) anyway, the painting says:

One hundred years from now..
it will not matter what my bank account was,
the sort of house I lived in,
or the kind of car I drove,
but the world may be different because
I WAS IMPORTANT IN THE LIFE OF A CHILD.

One of the things that I want to do in this world is to make a difference. I hope I did. :)

FINALLY.

2008-12-11T15:04:00.000+04:00

I had my hair cut a while ago!yey!finally!:)) i love itttt.:)

FULL BANGS:)

SIDE-SWEPT BANGS:)

What do you think?:) ooh, btw, i got my NEW GLOBE SIM CARD.:)
Anyway, I'm missing someone right now.: gah.

harder.BETTER.faster.STRONGER.

2008-12-08T08:14:00.000+04:00

I want a fresh start. A clean slate. I want to start over. This is one of the things I want to do before this year ends. Para pagpasok ng 2009, tada! bagong bago ako!:D

I just feel like I've been stuck in this state for a long time now. And it's not helping me to dwell in here anymore. It's time. I've stayed here longer than I should. It's like staying in a vacant room that was once filled with love. It hurts to watch. It's time I leave this place and start over. It's not doing me any good. It's just making me..numb. Though the time I've spent here helped me realize things, a lot of good things actually, but I feel like I would be able to realize more things if I..move on.

And I think that the purpose of this whole thing is to help me find myself again. I got lost in my own world and those of the people around me, especially in yours, kaith. I forgot who I am and who I am supposed to be. I lost my focus. But I don't have any regrets. The past two years of my life was a blast. I can't see it done in any other way. I can't see myself spending it with anyone else but YOU. But, it's over now and that doesn't mean that my life should be over too. Yours is not, you found your way. So, I should be finding mine too.:)

I'd still be here, I promised you that. I will be here for you when you need me.:)

And, so..I am moving on, on to the next chapter of my life.:) I am closing this now. And I'm happy because I'm giving myself a chance to write a new page in my life again. I'm happy for having this chance again. I'm happy because I realized this before it was too late. I'm happy for having friends who helped me find my way through those dark days. I love you friends!Thank you for putting up with me.:)

Oh, and btw, I'm getting a new haircut.FINALLY!sana matuloy na.:D plus I'm getting a globe sim card.eh kase naman i cant text a lot of people pag sun ako eh.:))okay.ang conyo.:))
kbye.:)

jus when you thought it was over.

2008-12-07T14:44:00.000+04:00

Tonight I've fallen and I can't get up

I need your loving hands to come and pick me up

And every night I miss you

I can just look up

And know that the stars are holding you

holding you, holding you

holding you tonight.

--Tonight;fmstatic

THERE YOU HAVE IT.

NOW YOU KNOW.

pure bliss.

2008-12-05T16:28:00.000+04:00

I love this day. I don't know why. Though it was just a normal day for me. Nothing extraordinary happened today, well, I guess except for the fact that I appreciate this day. I consider that extraordinary.:)

Anyway, I told Estell a while ago how much I miss being a kid. I miss how life used to be so simple back then. And then she told me that maybe if I didn't rush some things like love, then maybe I would have been able to fully appreciate those simple things. I wouldn't call it rushing actually, but I don't know what else to call it. So, I guess I could use the word.haha.:)

I thought about what she said and maybe she was right about that part. Maybe I really did rush love. I had a series of relationships since 5th grade before I had my first real relationship when I was in third year highschool until hmm..4 weeks ago. That lasted for approximately 2 years and 17 days. So, do you think I rushed love?

I would say, yes and no. Yes, because I know that I should not have gotten involved in those relationships as early as 5th grade. I should have waited for at least, highschool to come before I got involved in all those shizz. But, no regrets. What's done is done. And I figured that I wouldn't be the person I am now if it weren't for my past, right? I owe who I am to them. I learned a lot from my experiences. :)

No, because when you're sure that you love someone, you wouldn't think about the timing or the situation, just as long as the person you love is not committed to somebody else. When I said that I was in love with the people I had realtionships with, I cared less about the timing because I know that I wasn't hurting anybody.

You know you're not rushing love if you weren't looking but that person just came into your life and then you realize that you were falling in love already. And to be honest, out of all the relationships that I've had, it was with THAT one person that I felt that way.

So I guess that I did rush love, in a way. Someone once asked me if there was any way that I could turn back time and change my past, what will I change and why. I said I wouldn't change any of it because if things were different, then my life right now would also be different. I wouldn't remove those people I fell in love with in the past[those before my latest], because even if a lot of them ended badly, they were good memories. And I will treasure them forever.:)

Right now, I'm enjoying every minute of the present, reminiscing on the past, and preparing for the future. I want to embrace everything, feel every feeling, remember every memory, love and care for the people around me like there's no tomorrow and live each day as if it were my last. :)
So that when I grow old and think back on the past, I would be able to smile and be happy because I was able to live my life the way I want to. :)

i wanna stop..

2008-12-02T16:50:00.000+04:00

..talking about love.it's not that i don't want to talk about it.it's just that i want to take a break from talking about it. i know that i have been talking about it for a long time now and i think that it's already time to stop or at least, lie low. so, there.:)

Since, this year is about to end, i usually post a wishlist for christmas. But, this year, i think i want to post a list of things that i wanna do that i haven't done yet.:)I realized that I only want one thing for christmas, so I don't see the point of writing a list.haha. And for the sake of doing something different.

I also want to post a list of things that I want to do before I turn 18, because I will be turning 18 next year.:)

As of the moment, Im thinking about my list for christmas. I dont know what to call it yet.haha.any ideas?

I really hope that I can do all of them. This would be the best christmas ever if i will be able to accomplish them.:)

anyway, ive got to hit the sack now.im tired from all the arnis crap we did today.haha.but i enjoyed it.its the best stress-reliever.:) goodnight friends.:)

oh.before i forget, es and i are planning to open a blog about us.it will include our 365 project.it will be a photoblog.we will be posting pictures that we took that day.:) anyway, i will explain next time.haha.:)im soooo tired.

kbye.:)

three weeks after.

2008-11-27T16:05:00.000+04:00

i really don't know how to start this entry so ill just tell you what happened today.

I woke up late this morning because I stayed up to help her with her research. I slept at 1:26am then woke up, 4 hours later ,screaming because I had cramps. It was so painful. Ive been having a lot of cramp moments lately. pfft. Every inch of me was aching. :(

I didnt eat breakfast because I was in a hurry. It was funny that i still arrived earlier than her and Luisa. When they arrived, I gave her the research and told them that I was going to wait for Estell. So, they went ahead.

Estell and I arrived at exactly 7am. We used the stairs instead of the elevator because i wanted to pass by room 301.:p But then, she wasnt there. She was late. Typog class was boring as usual. Sir Araw kept on ranting. My ears were bleeding because I was seated in front. I went out for a whil because I couldnt take it anymore. Time was passing by slowly. Nica and I, along with some friends [Alon, Marvin, Dea, Lynn] will be having lunch together.

We ate lunch in Lopez's then went to the nearby Internet shop because they had to print their Theology homework. We went to the Tan Yan Kee Center after. Nica craved for Zagu, so they went out. Marvina, Alon and I were the ones left in tayk. I was bored so I decided to doodle. Lady passed by and said hello. And then,

I saw her walking towards the tayk. My heart stopped. My heart skipped a beat. I saw the girl I know more than I do myself. I saw a flicker of the girl I once knew, the girl I love-and then it was gone.

She was walking towards us. I felt my breathing going unsteadily for a moment. I didnt know how to react. Should I greet her first or will I wait for her to greet me?

Then it hit me. It was the first time that I felt that way in three weeks. And for the first time in three weeks, the hole in my heart opened again. And then I realized that I have been missing her all this time. It wasnt like it was the first time I saw her after The End. I saw her just this morning. I saw her yesterday and the other day. I saw her last week. I cant understand what im feeling.

When I turned to look at her, there was something different about her. It was like nothing changed between us. It was like the past three weeks was just a bad dream. I may be wrong about this but there was really something different about her a while ago. Even the others felt the tension between us. They also felt that there was something different.

And after a while, she turned to leave. And just like The End, with sad eyes and a bleeding heart, I watched her go.

hooray for DA!:D

2008-11-27T15:11:00.000+04:00

finally, my DA's active already!:D this is my third account already because i always forget my username and password.xD

I will be posting my recent artworks and deviations and the like there.:)

So if you wanna check them out, here's the URL: http://thecomebackqueen.deviantart.com/

ENJOY:>

EVIDENCE

2008-11-17T17:26:00.000+04:00

hmm.i came across this song recently. Though, ive known this song for a long time. haha.not that long, i meant ever since it was released. I really love URBANDUB. I like their songs, even if i cant relate to them before. but now, i think this is the first URBANDUB song that i can relate to. not totally.except for the 'caught you in the arms of another...'haha.but i can somehow relate to it.

here's the lyrics:

EVIDENCE-URBANDUB

Time has a way of healing, or so they say
So why am I still left here cryin'?
Caught in these ways of emotions as people stare
I find there's no real place for me to hide
Well I've been trying in vain
Was only fooling myself
With each passing day
The pain still stays the same

Caught you in the arms of another
I've been dying everyday since then
Caught you in the arms of another
I've found out about you
Caught you in the arms of another
I've been dying everyday since then
Caught you in the arms of another
I've found out about you

What more is it that you need
Right now clearly it's not me
With every minute that I gave to you
The punches that I took from you
Why was there no warning love?
What more is it that you need?
Right now clearly it's not me
Despite everything I did for you
Excused if i'm surprised
was the moment that I found out that we were through

Caught you in the arms of another
I've been dying everyday since then
Caught you in the arms of another
I've found out about you
Caught you in the arms of another
I've been dying everyday since then
Caught you in the arms of another
I've found out about you

When everything seemed alright
You turn and break my heart
Didn't I deserve your love?
It kills me inside to think of his arms
Wrapped around you now, Is he a better lover than I?
Well I've been trying in vain
Was only fooling myself
With each passing day
The pain still stays the same

Caught you in the arms of another
I've been dying everyday since then
Caught you in the arms of another
I've found out about you
Caught you in the arms of another
I've found out about you
Caught you in the arms of another
I've found out about you
Caught you in the arms of another
I've found out about you
Caught you in the arms of another
I've found out about you

Time has a way of healing, or so they say
So why am I still left here?

the breakdown.

2008-11-16T13:45:00.000+04:00

okay.i know a lot of you out there, especially, my friends are waiting for this to happen.so, eto na.

wait.pagbigyan nio muna ako.super tagalog entry,okay?tyaka pwede bang padrama muna, please?blog ko naman to eh.wag ka munang umangal kundi..haha.:p pero ayun.

nung mga nakaraang araw, sinabe ko sa sarili ko at sa mga close friends ko na, papabayaan ko na. di ko na ikkwento kung ano ung buong nangyari.basta nagusap kame last week.kase kelangan ko na talagang maliwanagan sa mga bagay bagay.at sabe ko pa 'im doing this to free myself.' kase nga napagisipisip ko na di ko na siya dapat hintayin kase wala rin namang kasiguraduhan kung hanggang kelan.kaya ayun, nagusap nga kame. tas madami akong nalaman.at un ung nakatulong sakin na magdecide.

kaya..papabayaan ko na lang siya. kase di naman na ako ung mahal nia. tyaka malinaw na talaga na ayaw nia na sakin.pero kahet pa ganun, FRIENDS kame. di naman ako naiilang na kasama siya.masaya nga ako pag kasama siya eh. tyaka ayun, maayos naman ung breakup namin.CLEAN BREAK. parang mutual ung decision.well, actually hindi, pumayag lang ako kase un ung gusto nia.haha.kahet alam kong tama ung mga sinabe niang dahilan. ayoko sanang ganun ung mangyari kase nga..SOBRANG MAHAL KO SIYA. naniniwala pa ko na kaya pang ayusin. pero ayun.its too late na nga daw. at bigla ko pang nalaman na..me minamahal na siya. so panu yun diba? ayoko na ring ipagpilitan ung sarili ko.

bago kayo magisip ng masama tungkol sa kanya..ako na ang unang pipigil sa inyo. continuation lan nung nangyare pagtapos namin magusap.pinagusapan naman namen ung relasyon nila ni girl#2. okay. masakit siya kahet papano.o sige na nga.nasasaktan ako. pero ayun nga, mas pinili kong makasama siya at maging friends kame habang nasasaktan kapag nagkkwento siya tungkol sa kanila kesa wala talaga. pero hindi naman ibig sabihin nun na di ako dapat nasasaktan diba?

kaya kung nababasa mo man to[sana hindi], alam kong sinabe mo sa kin na kapag nahihirapan ako sabihin ko sayo.gusto ko lang malaman mo na kaya di ko sinabe kase:

1. ayokong malungkot ka pa. kase gusto ko nga MASAYA KA NA.
2. ayokong magkaproblema pa kayo ni -ayun-.
3. ayoko ng magkagulo pa.
4. GUSTO KONG PANINDIGAN UNG PINANGAKO KO.

at tutuparin ko un kahet pa nasasaktan ako ngaun. ayoko nga kaseng lumayo ka. nung mga araw na di talaga tayo halos naguusap at parang walang pakealamanan, HIRAP NA HIRAP ako nun.kase narealize ko, tanggap ko na nga na di na tayo pwede.pero namimiss ko un bestfriend ko.gets?sabay nga kase nateng nadevelop ung relationship, friendship at sisterhood. kaya ayun, mahirap talaga na totally wala ka sa buhay ko. MY LIFE IS SUPER FUCKED UP RIGHT NOW. kaya, id rather embrace the pain and still be with you than nothing at all.

at nangako din ako kay girl #2 na bibigyan ko kayo ng time to be together kahet gusto ko lagi pa din kitang kasama pero ayoko namang mahirapan si girl # 2.siyempre friend ko pa din un. sabe nga nia, natatakot daw siya sa kin kase masyado daw akong masaya.hah.un ang akala nia.kung alam nio lang talaga.

pagbigyan nio na ko please?dito ko lang talaga to mabubuhos.

haii..pero gusto ko lang malaman mo na I MISS YOU LIKE WOAH. may i borrow a few lines from TWILIGHT?

'IT'S LIKE YOU'VE TAKEN HALF OF MYSELF WITH YOU.'

my perfect fairytale.

2008-11-09T11:09:00.000+04:00

time passes by..even for me. i feel like it's been months since..the end, even if it's just days.
I FEEL BETTER because I've finally accepted the fact that we can't be together anymore. Yes, there will be times that I would miss her a lot. I'm embracing that fact. I WANT TO. it's because I don't want to forget her and ALL those memories we've shared. It's sad to end something so beautiful, magical and full of life. And even up to now, somehow, i still want that. but, i know that i have to let her go. it's hard but i have to. i cant force her to feel the same way. i love her too much that i cant bear to see her suffer like that. and so, im setting her free.:)
IM NOT GIVING THIS UP BUT IM NOT GOING TO FIGHT FOR IT ANYMORE.it's enough. im just happy that somehow i still get to keep her as a friend. :) im happy that i met her and became a part of her life. im happy that she became a part of mine. im thankful because i know how hard it is to tell that person that you dont feel the same way anymore, but she was still able to conquer that fear and tell me because she doesnt want me to get hurt by not telling me. it was a very noble thing to do.
Im not saying that i wont get hurt in the process, thats normal. all im saying is, im happy now. the present matters the most. there will be hard times but i wont let that get the best of me. and whatever the future holds for me, i will face it head on. just like what you taught me, kaith.:) these things take time, and im willing to take it slow, to enjoy every minute of it. i know that ill pull through.:)
i know that this is trying to teach me something and again, im willing to learn the lesson.:) i have learned a lot from you and im going to take those lessons with me wherever i go, just like our memories. i know that you really loved me and im happy and thankful for that.:) we have shared a lot of things with each other. i will never forget that. :)
i love you and i will miss you always.:)
fairy tales shoudnt always have happy endings. fairy tales are fairy tales if we worked hard and if we fought for our happy endings.:) i've fought for mine and it may not be what i wanted but its worth it because i gave my everything and worked hard for it.:)

the morning after.

2008-11-07T13:40:00.000+04:00

What if the one you love left you?
What if it's not just some ordinary love?
What if you want to be with that person forever?
What if that person doesn't feel the same way anymore?
What if that person gives up on you?

What do you do?

No one is really prepared to deal with these kind of things. I wasn't prepared when this happened. So, there, you read it right. The one I love left me. The past few days, I already felt that something like this would happen, but I kept on reassuring myself that it won't. I believe that she still loves me. Even up to now, I believe that she still loves me..in a way. Why can't I believe the truth and not the lie?

It's because I choose not to. I want to believe that everything's gonna be alright. I want to believe that there's still hope.I'M STILL HOPING. I want it to be real, but I know that no matter how hard I pray, things just can't go back the way they used to. No matter how hard I try, I can't have it back. I can't have her back. She's the best part of my life. I know that I won't be the same person again.

On the bright side, we're still friends, bestfriends actually. Maybe we're better off as bestfriends.
I'm not giving up. I chose to dwell on the pain because I want to believe that there's still hope that she'd take me back. I don't want to forget all those memories we shared because those were the happiest of my life. She was a big part of me. If it weren't for her, I wouldn't be reaching for my dreams. I wouldn't be able to learn how to stand up for myself.

And now that she's gone..

Life, love, meaning, reason...it's over.

I would do anything just to have her back. I can't exactly tell you how much I'm hurting right now. I was devastated. It was like someone died. I DIED. I'm drowning in my own pain. I know that there's no hope anymore, I JUST DON'T WANT TO ACCEPT IT. Merely typing it gives me a hard time. But, if she will leave because of that, then I don't have any choice but to accept it. I can't afford to lose my bestfriend. It takes time. I don't know how much time it will take me to forget the best thing that ever happened to my life. I don't want to forget that. SHE WILL ALWAYS HAVE MY HEART. She is my GREATEST LOVE. And right now, I ONLY WANT HER.

And the saddest part is the morning after, because I believed that everything was just a dream, and that everything's going back to normal. It hurts to wake up crying and screaming and wanting the pain to go away. It hurts to wait for that text message and realizing that it's not coming anymore. It hurts to check your phone from time to time, waiting for her messages. It hurts not knowing what to expect in the morning. It hurts to go to bed without someone putting you to sleep.It hurts because you want her to read this, but at the same time, you don't, because you know that she'll get hurt. It hurts to watch her go on with her life as if nothing happened because she has to. It hurts because you want to hold her and never let her go when you're together. It hurts because you miss everything about her every second of every day. It hurts because you know that it won't happen anymore. It hurts because she has become a big part of your life, that everything about it seems dull without her.

It hurts because..SHE'S GONE.

2008-11-06T17:11:00.000+04:00

I know that I've been talking about sad things here for quite a while now. I think the last happy[well, sort of] entry I made was also my first one here. I'm sorry. It's just that I'm really having a bad week and I can't really share anything happy if I feel like crap, right? And so, what I want to do now is to share the lessons that I think I have learned from this whole experience. This one is inspired by MARISTELL ELIZ VILLANUEVA. :) I've been reading her blog for a couple of months now, and her entry 'COLLEGE LESSONS' really inspired me. That's why I want to make my own, based upon her entry.:)

1. KNOW YOURSELF.
This is really important. I believe that before you start to learn about other people, you have to learn and know more about yourself first. You have to know who YOU REALLY ARE. And you have to do that ON YOUR OWN. Don't rely on other people to help you find yourself. You might just end up being or trying to be like them. So, what's the point in finding yourself in the first place if you'll end up being someone else?:)

2. ACCEPT THEM FOR WHAT THEY ARE. May this be a person or just about anything, you have to accept them for what or who they are. Remember, THINGS CHANGE. PEOPLE CHANGE. The person they are now might not be the person they will be tomorrow. So, if at first you don't get along well, it doesn't end there. You will know more about people through time.

3. GIVE CHANCES. In line with number 2, if you don't like the person, give him/her a chance to prove you wrong. One attitude problem or more does not totally define a person. GIVE THEM A CHANCE TO CHANGE. And sometimes,

4. STOP BLAMING OTHERS. Your self is your responsibility. One of these days, you just really have to grow up and take control over your own life. You can never blame those things that are happening in your life on other people. They have their own life too.

5. NEVER STOP LEARNING. In this world, there are a lot of things that you will learn about especially nowadays. Discover new talents. Learn new things. If you have already graduated from school, it doesn't mean that you have to stop learning. Expand your horizon. Explore new places. Life is short to squeeze in all those experiences, enjoy every moment.:)

6. APPRECIATE. I have observed that there are some people who don't say 'thank you' anymore. Just because what they've done to you wasn't a big deal, it doesn't mean that you have the right not to thank them. You're just showing others that you don't have manners. And that will reflect your family and your surroundings. You don't want to be labelled as someone uneducated, right? Aside from that, don't forget to notice simple things about other people like their new hairstyle, their outfit or anything. It will surely make their day.:) It's time that we stop noticing negative things about others. You won't be laughing anymore if they notice your flaws.

7. STAND UP. Stand up for yourself. Stand up for your principles and beliefs especially if you think that they are right. STAND UP FOR OTHERS. It takes a lot of courage to do this. But, once you've done it, it's worth everything. I've just learned this recently and it really feels good to be able to fight for yourself--to fight for who you are.

8. HONESTY IS THE KEY. We all know that lying is a bad thing. It doesn't feel good if you found out that you are being lied to. And it doesn't feel right when you lie to others. Lying doesn't save you from anything, it just makes you drown in your lies. When you start to lie, you can't stop it because you have to lie again to cover up the first one, and another to cover up the second, and another...it goes on. The only way to stop it is to tell the truth.

9. TIME MANAGEMENT. Have time for everything and everyone. Yes, 24 hours a day may not be enough for all your activities, but you can do all of it if you know how to manage your time. Do not make time for the sake of making time, make it worthwhile. Make enough time for everything. If you have extra-curricular activities, do not let these eat your time for academics. Remember that you are in school because of your academics not because of your extra-curricular activities. And don't let your academics eat your time for yourself too. YOU HAVE TO SLEEP. You need to eat and rest too. If you don't have time for that then how can you do your work? And lastly, don't forget to have time for the people you love. They will always be there for you, but you also have to let them know you're there for them by making time. Sometimes, you think that they want a lot of things. But the truth is, others want something simple as your time. Simple, but irreplaceable. This is the most precious thing you can give to your loved-ones aside from love.

10. DO NOT FORGET GOD. Do not forget that you have everything because of Him. Without Him, you won't have life. Pray and thank Him for everything.:) Believe me, when you've got no one else to talk to, God will always be there.

There are a lot of things that I still want to include here. But, I don't think that it is convenient to write everything. These lessons are just reminders. Notice that these are the lessons that people forget to apply in their lives. These are actually simple, but we still fail to do them. I wrote this because I want to remind you[whoever you are reading this at the moment] about these simple lessons of life. But, most of all, I am reminding myself about these lessons, so that I will be able to apply them myself. Remember that repeated experiences happen to teach us the lesson that we refuse to learn. It sucks to experience that same problem a lot of times. It's just implying that we haven't changed. It will only lower your self-esteem. So, to avoid these experiences from happening again, maybe we just have to look back on the simple lessons that we tend to forget. Learn and practice them again. Know them by heart and live them each day. You will not only gain friends, but you will also feel good about yourself. God did not give us our lives to be miserable. He wants us to be happy. So, let's make it a happy one.:)

here we go again.

2008-11-04T18:22:00.000+04:00

and i really thought that this was over. but, knowing you guys, you really wouldn't give me the peace of mind that i want. just when i thought that im already standing on some sort of a stable ground, here you are, trying to pull the rug underneath my feet. what will happen next?i'd still be blamed. i would still be labeled as the bad person--the SELF-CENTERED,KNOW-IT-ALL,TRYING HARD,CANT-KEEP-HER-MOUTH-SHUT BITCH OF THE CLASS. and you call me, your class president.right.thanks.

i said that this time i wouldnt let you get the best of me. i wouldnt mind anymore.i wouldnt get affected. but, of course, im a human being just like you, i get hurt. and forgive me for feeling that way. i guess you would tell me that i dont have that right, because ive hurt a lot of people because of who i am. then, sue me if you think that im committing murder here just by being with you in the same room.ugh,please. if i have the choice, then i would be moving as far as i can away from you.

too much drama.i dont wanna be righteous here anymore.coz, whenever i try or even if i dont try, you would always think that i am one. all i wanted is for you to understand. you may think that it's irritating that i keep on repeating some things, to the point that you all want to cover your ears until im done saying them. but try to think about it, i wouldnt be repeating those if you show me that the meassage has sinked in into you minds and hearts.

they say repeated experiences happen because of one thing, that is to teach us the lesson that we refuse to learn. that is implying that we still have to learn the lesson that this never-ending experience is teaching us. if you think about it, we have done open forums before, and still, here we are, stuck on that issue from open forum 1. isnt that tiring?

i just cant wait to see your downfall.

how did WE get here?when i used to know you so well.

2008-11-03T17:28:00.001+04:00

if i could turn back time, i would.
i want a clean slate.
i want to start over.
i want to do things differently. if i have the choice, i would choose not to be in this class. if only i knew you guys back then, i would do ANYTHING to stay away from you, now that i know what kind of people you are. ive been told so many times, YOU ARE NOT WORTH FIGHTING FOR, but still i kept on fighting for you, coz i thought that maybe, just maybe, there's something in you that's worth it. I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER.I SHOULD HAVE LISTENED.I SHOULD HAVE WALKED AWAY INSTEAD OF HOLDING ON. did it do me any good?NO, IT DID NOT.

and now, you made things more complicated. i was trying to fix the puzzle, but here you are, destroying every piece ive worked hard to put together. IM CRUSHED. IM FALLING APART. i gave it a shot, but I STILL MISSED IT.

They say, you can't please everybody.TRUE. i already know that, so don't you dare make that as an excuse for all your crap. True as it may seem, it doesn't mean that the person is not worthy of the chance. Like what ESTELL said, YOU'RE NO GOD TO JUDGE ME.

yes, ive done the same so many times. but I DONT CLOSE MY DOORS TO THOSE PEOPLE WHO WANT TO KNOW ME.I GAVE THEM THE CHANCE TO PROVE THEMSELVES WRONG. i tried that.i tried to prove you wrong, but it seems like, it was too late for that. YOU'VE LABELED ME. so what will i do?will i continue to prove myself or will i just give up and let you bitches live your life the way you want to? well, you know what i did. I GAVE UP, didn't i? because it wasn't worth it anymore.

YOU ARE NOT WORTH IT.

Stepping up.

2008-11-01T18:15:00.001+04:00

"It's not about what you got. It's what you make of what you got."
-Andie West;Step Up 2: The Streets

I watched Step Up 2 last night because I was really bored. It was the 3rd time I watched it. The first time was last September 10--my birthday, btw. I wasn't paying attention to the movie quotes back then, I was too preoccupied with their dance moves. haha. That's why when I heard this one, I searched for it on the Internet to get the exact quote and found a lot of really inspiring quotes from the movie but this one struck me the most.

Anyway, when I was in gradeschool[4th grade, to be exact], I remembered someone asking me what course I want to take up in college and which school I want to go to. Well, for a 10-year old girl, that question is difficult to answer. First of all, I'm way too young to have a specific course in mind, and what do I know about those universities? But, surprisingly, I answered, "Fine Arts po, sa UST." Funny, isn't it?

Upon hearing this, my parents didn't take it seriously because they thought that I was young to decide and that I might still change my mind. Besides, college was still far far away from my innocent world. I know that they wanted me to be an engineer or an accountant like them. They would always tell me that. Don't get me wrong, they don't have anything against the course, it's just that they wanted me to be like them. They wanted me to live their dream.

Seven years later, here I am, cramming for plates and other school requirements, enrolled as a Freshman in the Royal, Pontifical and Catholic University of Sto. Tomas taking up Fine Arts-Advertising Major. So, maybe you're wondering what happened to the my-parents-wanted-me-to-become-like-them story huh? Well, it was quite a war between my parents and I. When I reached the age of reason, I told them that I wanted to be an artist. They kept on persuading me to take up BS Math, Accountancy or Engineering. But, I told them that I don't want that. They tried and tried, but failed everytime they did. They knew that the battle was lost before it even started.

I chose to take up Fine Arts because that was where I was good at. I may not be the best drawing artist out there, but I know that I can be one of the best in this career. I thought that if I go there[UST CFAD], then the people that I love will be proud of me, because finally I found the place where I belong.

All my life, I grew up thinking that I'm the best or at least, one of them. But, when I reached a certain point in my life, I found out that I wasn't who I think I was. I found out that there are a lot of people who are better than me in those things that I thought I was best. I tried to keep up with them. I tried to BE like them because I thought that if I do, then I would still be one of the best. But I got tired, and I realized that it's not doing me good. It's just making me forget who I am. So, I gave up.

From then on, whenever an opportunity for me to show my talents and other capabilites comes, I would let those opportunities pass, because I kept on thinking that there are other people who are good at that, and that they don't need someone like me. And because of that, I wasn't able to develop my talents. Scratch that. I STOPPED DEVELOPING MY TALENTS.

I thought that if I take up Fine Arts, I will be better than those people who are better than me in my other talents. But wait, I was wrong. There are other people who are better than me in this course..again. Of course, there will always be. There are billions of people in the world. Someone once told me that I can never be the best in what I do because there will always be other people who are better than me. So, what should I do?I was crushed. I was hurt.My self-esteem went down six feet under.

I can't really do anything about it but try. Try to be good at what I do. Life should go on, and that goes the same for learning. Life is a game because like a normal game, you have to learn the rules and strategies to win. It takes a lot of practice, but once you learn it, you can always win the game. And right now, I have to learn the fundamentals and then practice until I become good at it. Then use what I learned to be better.

The things that happened in my life made me forget the REAL purpose of school. And what is that? TO LEARN. I forgot that I go to school because I want to learn, and not to be best at something. If I was the best before I went to school, then there's no reason for me to go, right? My parents send me to school because they want me to LEARN TO BE THE BEST. And that's what school is for. If you can't be the best, at least you learned a lot of things. And when you learn it, live it, and then love it.

I will end this entry with another quote from the movie.

"Do not give up. Just be you, because LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO BE ANYBODY ELSE."
-Andie West;Step Up 2: The Streets

the comeback queen.

2008-11-01T18:10:00.000+04:00

So you're probably wondering why my username is thecomebackqueen.haha.Well, it its because i came back to BLOGSPOT.haha.it's as simple as that.my previous site http://maimaixx.co.cc got busted again.[it's my 2nd site, btw] so, i got pissed and really irritated.

and then i moved to TABULAS. but i got pissed again because i cant use [well, i dont know how :p] their codes for the skins.its SO complicated. and the skins for blogspot are just sooooo tempting.that's why i moved back.

BLOGSPOT hosted my 3rd blog site which has 35 entries.:) i hope that this site will last longer than my last three websites.:)

**hope you guys will love my site. i will try to update this always.haha.:) stay tuned.:)
.thecomebackqueen